Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Waseem: The test...
At times, the unknown future changes so quickly and completely, that we’re left with only the option of what to do next. And that’s when we have to make a choice.
We can choose to be afraid of it… To stand all uncertain and trembling, assuming the worst that can happen… Or we step forward into the unknown with our hopes flying high, and assume it will be brilliant.
And through this, you understand that there are times in life when you are tested purely according to your capacity. Purely according to your ability to withstand it. At times, you are tested to limits that you would have never imagined before, and somehow, you still manage to make it through.
And yes, it’s a helluva load of sweat, blood and tears, but at the end of it all, you come to realised that maybe you really are stronger than you knew. Maybe you can face the storm. Maybe your inner being is mightier than the tornado that hasn’t yet come to cease.
And then, you realise that it’s no use burying your sorrows in the sand, or throw it up on someone else’s shoulders. It’s not going to help if you find refuge in anyone else. It will only relieve you to go to the place where you will find your Lord. It’s only befitting to find refuge in the place where your lips will kiss the ground.
Like it was a comfort to our Nabi (SAW), I finally found the refuge, and there was no other time that I had realised that, than the time when I needed Him the most.
When I sat on my Musallah, and faced the One who always remained, then only did my entire being feel at ease. When I let that ‘Allahu Akbar’ echo within my very body and soul, to realise that there truly is no other strength and power besides what He can offer me. It was a moment I truly found Him. A moment I found what I had lost. A moment I had found the gold.
Sometimes we walk around in frightful oblivion, until a major obstacle comes to set us immediately back on track. On our heedless journey, Allah places a trial which is precisely what turns us back to our purpose. There comes, sometimes, an unprecedented occurrence that finally gets us to find our true purpose once again. To focus, yet again.
Focus, I chided myself, just trying to contain the anxiety that was bubbling within.
What was wrong with me?
Instead of the calmness I expected, seeing Zaynah again, as if it was the first time ever, was making me feel like I was a newly wed. I remembered the feeling of being a stranger to her once again, like the first few days we were married… And I couldn’t help but always feel on edge when I was around her.
At that time, it was like I was in awe of this woman who had somehow completed my life, and I was waiting for the whole fairytale to suddenly just end. It was like I was just waiting for her to find out about my big, dark secrets, and discover what a degenerate human being I had always been.
Obviously, she would run for the hills.
I could almost still hear how her voice had called out, all those months ago. The first time she had actually called out to me. I immediately straightened up, caught a little unaware.
I could clearly still remember the last day of our early marital getaway, and I could see she had warmed up to me, instead of blushing and always feeling uncomfortable with me around.
I cracked my fingers as she had sat next to me, looking at me without moving her eyes away, like for the first time ever. I was so glad.
“Jhee, sweets,” I replied, wondering what she was thinking about as we both sat there looking out onto the spectacular view. Of course, it was gorgeous out there, but seeing my wife lifted my spirits in a way that nothing else could.
She looked back at me, a slight smile forming on her slightly flushed face, and asked me the exact question I wanted to ask her.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked, looking slightly inquisitive.
I grinned, shaking my head. Not because of her words, but because what I had been thinking was actually quite unbelievable.
“I’m thinking….” I started, breathing out and biting my lip slightly nervously.
I was barely ever so aware of myself, but under her scrutiny, I couldn’t help it.
“That I’m very lucky,” I finally said. “Because you haven’t run away as yet.”
She giggled softly, and I smiled back.
“Why would I do that?” she said, looking perfectly innocent in her question.
She really had no idea. I could already see that she was on an entirely different spiritual level, and she still wondered why I kept questioning it.
I had to just tell her. I had to let out my fears.
“You don’t know who I really am,” I said, shaking my head and looking away.
I could feel her looking at me, but I didn’t dare look back.
“Maybe I don’t want to know,” she said softly, and I looked up at her questioningly. She had a slight frown on her face.
“You don’t know the real me either,” she said, winking at me, and trying to lighten the moment.
I chuckled, knowing that she was only teasing.
“But what we do know,” she said, her face turning serious again, “is that before this… Our paths have crossed, more than once.”
I looked at her, remembering the first time I had seen her, over the barrier fence.
At a time when everything in my off-track life had felt so empty, it was sure sign that I was been shown whatever I had asked for. I spoke to Allah about her, and I’m sure she had asked Him for me. So, of course, eventually, our paths had collided… And of course, after much hanging onto from my part, our once separate journeys eventually became one. That was the way Allah had planned it.
I looked at her, and I couldn’t help but smile at her expression now. So grave, yet she looked so sincere as she spoke next.
“I know you sometimes think about your past,” she said, looking at me openly, for the first time. “And I don’t know much about it. But I’ve thought about it… And I truly understand and believe that your past, is your past. I don’t need to know what you’ve done, whose hands you’ve held, or who you’ve been with. I only care about your today… And if I have your tomorrow… And if Allah Ta’ala is at the centre of it all… Then we know that we move forward together… To the future.”
And of course, like she knew exactly what I was dreading, my fears were completely eased by her words, because I knew that she meant them with every ounce within her. She had a right to dissect every bit of my dark history, but she chose not to.
And as we progressed in our marriage, I didn’t have to worry about anything, as we moved forward. That’s what made our love increase. It’s said that loving for the sake of Allah Ta’ala is the fastest way to gain Wilayat. When the Friends of Allah Ta’ala (Ahlullah) begin to see someone with an eye of affection, then this is a sign that, one day, this person will become a Wali of Allah Ta’ala, or will at least repent before death, and be raised from amongst those whose repentance was accepted.
More than anything, rather than her overlooking my faults, she had plain bowled me over by the mere fact that she had opened her heart to me, and let me in. I actually couldn’t believe that she had done me this great favour. It was an doorway to the unlimited treasures that our Lord always promised.
“Bha,” a voice said, back in the present, catching me slightly unawares.
I turned to see Riyaadh’s crooked smile as he stretched out his hand, greeting me with affection. They came often, but I didn’t expect to see them here at this part of the morning. We had grown quite close as a result, and I was glad to see his face here. I’m sure that they must have been called in as well, to be updated on Zaynah’s condition.
I swallowed, just slightly disappointed that I wasn’t the first to see my wife. Zakiyya was her sister after all. I should just stop acting so stupid and meet my wife.
I paused, wanting to know more before I headed there. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect.
“Is she… Okay?” I asked, needing some information before I actually took the plunge and met her..
“Zakiyya’s been there for a few minutes,” he replied, frowning slightly. “I think they’re talking…. Or trying to…”
He didn’t elaborate further, but edged me on
I nodded, slightly relieved. If she was having a conversation, then it was probable that she was actually okay. I knew that there would probably be difficulty in her speech and maybe slight disorientation, but I was positive that my wife would be fine. I was certain that I wouldn’t be completely disappointed.
I told him I would catch him later, slowly building up my spirits and courage to face what would be the most anticipated few moments of my life.
I went in to the ward, unfazed by nurses fussing around, and the early morning buzz. I could see Zaynah’s sister catch a glimpse of me, and she got up, looking down at the bed while she said something. My wife still wasn’t visible to me as I slowly treaded forward, finally turning the corner to glimpse the black burkah that she had been wearing all this time. I could see a pipe in her nose, but to my relief, the other ones seemed to be removed. I was already on cloud nine, knowing that it could only get better from here.
I looked at her, actually not able to take my eyes off her for that time, realising that it was like she was coming alive for me again after all these weeks. Like she was a completely new person once again.
It was only when I got closer, did I realise that while I was focussed on my own relief, I barely noticed the looks of anxiety that were in her face. She seemed completely perplexed by my mere presence, and I looked questioningly at her, trying to offer her the most comforting smile I could.
“Zaynah,” I said softly, unexpected tears forming in the corner of my eyes.
Instead of what I expected, all I saw was Zaynah shaking her head at me, trying to muster up the strength to say something. I knew that she couldn’t respond well. I knew that talking was probably difficult for her, but I was aching to hear her voice.
I reached out for her to offer some support, but I immediately saw her stiffen, amidst her rapid breathing. Although Zakiyya was trying to leave us alone, telling her that she would be back, Zaynah was clinging onto her like there was no tomorrow.
I looked up at her sister questioningly, wondering why my wife was turning away. Her whole body was in a sort if panic, and I could see her trying to hide herself from me, as if she just wanted me to leave her alone.
Of all the things I expected, I definitely didn’t expect this.
What was going on?
A few seconds later, between slight gasps of breath, she finally managed to use her voice. The shivers ran through my body as I realised exactly what was going on, and my heart sank to somewhere below my knees. Zaynah’s next words sent me into complete oblivion. My future just seemed like an entirely unfathomable concept, as she spoke.
“Please t-tell him to l-leave,” she finally uttered, still not even offering me a simple glance.
“I don’t know who he is.”
Dear readers. Please make maaf for the delay in posting, as there was a family emergency. Request for special Duaas to heal all our loved sick ones.
Please don’t forget our Super Sunnahs!
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:
“Nothing is worse than a person who fills his stomach. It should be enough for the son of Adam to have a few bites to satisfy his hunger. If he wishes more, it should be: One-third for his food, one-third for his liquids, and one-third for his breath.”
– Tirmidhi & Ibn Majah
We will be doing more eating and drinking Sunnahs Insha Allah.