Back into Reality: Zaynah

Bismilllahir Rahmaanir Raheem

We often wonder why things happen the way they do.

Its like there’s some kind of order to all this chaos, or some kind of universal law, that takes over. We may say it’s coincidence. But it’s not just matter of the right thing happening at exactly the right time. It is not merely a mechanism that occurs, to connect the unconnected, and build up the bridges to exactly where we are meant to be.

Because as we move along the spiritual ladder, and when we bring true Imaan, we see that there is no such thing as ‘coincidence’. We argue that the future obeys no ‘law’. That Taqdeer is what determines fate. That coincidence, as they call it, is actually the work of the Greatest Power, at any given moment on our planet. It’s also a Divine means to place in the misplaced, and in that hurricane, in what may seem unrelated, we somehow find communion.

And that’s how everything that never seemed to fit together, somehow does, within the Greatest plan.

The realization had come at a time when I had been feeling so empty… with something of a hole somewhere within my gut. And as I lay down one evening, dwelling on the uncertainty that lay ahead for me, I knew that what filled my slumber-filled conscience was definitely a sign.

“I feel so lost.”

It was like I was an onlooker to my own conversation, almost as if I was talking within my own conscience.

“Zaynah.”

The voice was soothing, and I looked up, seeing bright eyes above me, gazing at me almost as if in a trance.

“They say there’s a space,” it said, almost ironically. Had I been talking to him?

“A space?”

“Yes,” he replied. ” It’s a space like no other space that can’t be filled by the usual things we try to fill them with. That space… It’s only for the One who created it. Don’t try and fill it up any other way. Search for what you need.”

It was a lifetime search that evaded many. The search for contentment could only be satisfied through deep-rooted connection with one’s Rabb. No other treasure could fill that gap. Of course, with only Allah, hearts are truly at rest.

I sucked in my breath, remembering those words like they were just said yesterday. It wasn’t the first time I had heard them.

“Zaynah.”

I looked up again, watching his gaze on me, knowing he wanted to remind me. Somehow, I knew.

“You know I’m always here.”

“Until we’re old?”

That voice sounded like me, but I wasn’t sure.

“Yes, until we’re old.”

His tone lowered, and I could feel the emotion in his voice.

“For always?”

“For always.”

It was just above a whisper now, and I shivered as the voice entered my slumber-filled conscience, almost as if it was right next to me. I jumped up, because it seemed so close that the person should have been standing in the same room. But as I looked around, it was a bit eerie that there was no one else here but me. No-one but me.

I rubbed my eyes incessantly, trying to place the image. Those eyes. Hope. Certainty within this chaos. But what exactly did it mean?

I blinked, as if awakened to something that I couldn’t yet get to grips with. I was still here. At my Uncle’s house. Everything felt the same, but there was something a little misplaced in my gut. Within my being, I felt as if I had been missing something all along. It was alost like that dream was to remind me that someone else was also a part of my life all along.

The shrill ring of the hallway phone broke my thoughts as I walked steadily forward. I was much stronger than I had been a few months ago, and everyone was happy that I had put on some weight and was starting to look human again.

“Zaynah, is that you?” The voice said after I had greeted, making me shake my head into the receiver.

“Of course it’s me, silly,” I replied, knowing that it was Nabeela. I grabbed a pack of chewy gums as I spoke, tucking in eagerly. It was the only thing that helped my mind to settle. Sugar had become like food to me. I doubted that it was the best thing for my health, but it always did the trick.

“I have good news,” she said, matter of fact. I raised my eyebrows because I wondered what news Nabeela had heard today. Strangely, if it was about my enstranged husband, I was actually interested.

“Waseem’s brother had a baby girl,” she said, sounding so excited, as if it was her own family that was blessed with the joy of a new life.

And of course, the mention of Waseem got me feeling a little uncomfortable, but for different reasons this time. I remembered the months he would come to see me in an attempt to revive the dead part of me, and I felt only pity for him because he seemed so determined that I would snap back. Back then, I had thought that there was no chance, but now, I knew that all hope was not lost.

“That’s lovely news,” I said, trying to sound neutral. I knew that there was another baby who they had lost in the family, and this was the first grandchild. I’m sure my in-laws would be thrilled, but I felt so distanced from them that I couldn’t relate to the excitement. It was a bit anti climatic.

“I think you should go and see them,” she said seriously. “Despite everything, they still kept contact… and-”

“I know,” I answered hastily, cutting her off.

She stopped abruptly, probably shocked that I had agreed with no arguments. During the past week, a series of weird thoughts and strange dreams had got me thinking that maybe I was seriously missing something big in my life. I had been so confused before now, but everything was slowly fitting together again.

And then of course, there was the chat the Mamoo had with me yesterday, telling me that I’m always welcome in the house, but if I no longer want to be bound by Nikah to Waseem, there were people interested in me.

I was in shock, because I never thought that Mamoo would give up on us, but I knew exactly who had given him the idea.

And of course I knew exactly who he meant.

I almost choked at the thought, wondering how he could even think of divorce. Now, with my mind a little more on-track than before, the thought irked even me.

I sighed, realizing that I really did need some more direction in my life. I couldn’t just sit around here my whole life, and waste away. My in-laws had always made an effort to come see me, even when I barely recognized them. If Abbi was alive, he would have made sure I went back. And maybe Waseem was no longer around, but the least that I could do was at least share in their joy at this time. Maybe I should tell them that I’m sorry for everything. That I didn’t mean to be so unfeeling, That everything will be okay.

I packed a small bag, telling Mamoo that I had something to discuss with my in-laws. He agreed to take me that very evening, knowing that it was probably a matter of urgency. As the hours passed, the uneasiness increased, because I felt compelled to get everything off my chest. To find out more. I wanted to know what had happened. How I fell. How everything just went so horribly wrong.

We reached the hospital late that night, and I stepped into the maternity ward, looking warily at the visiting times at the front. I wasn’t sure what I expected when I got there, but when I saw how glad my sister-in-law was to see me, I was so happy that I had actually come. I knew that she had had this baby after a really long time, and they looked so happy to finally have her that’s i couldn’t help but feel hopeful myself. Kids were the last thing that I had on my mind, but seeing all the joy around me made me feel broody myself.

“Maybe next will be your turn,” Aasiya said, almost as if she could tell where my thoughts were headed. I blushed and changed the topic.  We had chatted about various things, and I smiled as she mentioned Waseem, not giving away the real reason I had come. Being here, although it was still foreign, somehow felt right. In my heart of hearts, I just felt like something within me belonged.

“Is it okay if I come again?” I asked her, not knowing yet where we would stay, but hoping Mamoo could bring me again. It was already so late, but my uncle always went out of his way for me and I knew that he couldn’t refuse.

My sister-in-law nodded eagerly, looking glad that I actually wanted to come back. And of course they would be. I felt bad that I had avoided them for quite a while, since the accident. I had been trying to get my thoughts back in order, and even though everything wasn’t yet restored, now I knew that maybe there was still a hope. If only my husband would somehow appear and make everything fit together for me once again.

I walked out to where Mamoo was waiting, taking careful steps as I went down the few steps that led outside. I wasn’t sure why steps had become such a terrifying thing for me, because I didn’t even remember falling down them. I supposed something within my conscience registered that it was dangerous territory. I grabbed onto the railing, taking each step slowly, and hoping that I didn’t lose my balance. Mamoo was close by, but not close enough, and as mind conquered matter, I felt my one knee weaken and cave in. Panic filled my gut as I tried to gain my balance once again, but to no avail.

It was already too late. Just as I registered that all hope was lost, a strong arm gripped me just in time, immediately settling my worn out nerves.

I looked up, not yet registering what it all meant. I glimpsed his eyes as he pulled me up, and for a second I wondered, but at that time, I knew for certain that this was no dream. This was definitely beyond slumber.

We often wonder why things happen the way they do.

Its like there’s some kind of order to all this chaos, or some kind of universal law, that takes over. We may say it’s coincidence. But it’s not just matter of the right thing happening at exactly the right time. It is not merely a mechanism that occurs, to connect the unconnected, and build up the bridges to exactly where we are meant to be.

It was far from coincidence. It was how everything that never seemed to fit together, somehow does, within the Greatest plan.

The reality was exactly what I had thought.

He was back.


Please Don’t forget our Super Sunnahs!

Nabi ﷺ said, “He who has taken food and says at the end: ‘Al- hamdu lillahi-lladhi at’amani hadha, wa razaqanihi min ghairi haulin minni wa la quwwatin (All praise is due to Allah Who has given me food to eat and provided it without any endeavour on my part or any power),’ all his past sins will be forgiven.” (Tirmidhi)

SubhaanAllah. Let’s try and observe the Sunnah Duaas of eating InshaAllah.

#RevivetheSunnahofEating

#RevivetheSunnahofDrinking

#Revive theSunnahofSpeakingGood

#RevivetheSunnahofSmiling

#RevivetheSunnahofMiswaak

#RevivetheSunnahofDu’aas

Tweet: @ajourneyjournal

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15 thoughts on “Back into Reality: Zaynah

  1. Wow!! Beautiful! MashaAallah!!
    Hope its Waseem who is back!!
    Waseem❤ Zaynah
    Love them together
    Please can we have a bonus post…just this week please💕
    So that we can read about being together again!!👍👍

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Beautiful post ma sha Allah. I love how you speak about taqdeer and everything coming together because it is Allah’s plan. There’s no such thing as luck and I hope more people can understand that it’s the will of Allah that things happen the way they do. I’m so glad zaynah is finding her way back.

    Liked by 4 people

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