No Illusion

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem


There’s a theory that goes to say, in another ten years, there’s nothing that technology won’t be able to do. Who knows, right?

Floating farms, autonomous cars and  ‘brain prints’ for passwords.

A few years ago, it all sounded so far fetched, yeah?

The future of technology is limitless as everything progresses at such an alarming rate, that the pressure to keep up is just… well… overpowering. So, without hesitation, we step up. We live to our fullest. We buy the best gadgets, live the best moments and share… well… always only the best of it all.

But the pressure can be taxing. The hype of technology is not all as dandy as it seems. The deception is so much so, that people would do anything, take any risk, just to make it to the top. They become hard. Ruthless. Being in the business of Information and Computer Science makes you see things in a different light… and the illusion of it all… is just so deceiving.

The need to find ways to make it easier for us to connect with one another, can result in us spending more time alone. The constant vying for a smarter phone, can actually make us less intellectual. This media that we call social, is actually anything but.

And then of course, there’s another theory that goes to say that there will be only a mere one percentile of entire mankind, that will believe that technology is not the answer to it all. They will still hold firm to the belief that there is a Higher Power, a Greater Good… a Controller of Entirety, that handles it all. When I heard that, it scared me. What were my chances of being within that one percent who doesn’t fall for the greatest illusion?

And just because this world of digits and techno-living was my means to making money, it didn’t mean I was an unconditional fan. Did you even know that Instagram was first created for food? I mean, if it had stayed that way, it would have probably been a great place to be on. Technology, used for the right things, is simply awesome. I loved what I did, no doubt. Even from before I studied Computer Engineering, I loved technology. It was my forte, and it was the one place where I could kick back and just do what I did best.

And of course, everyone has a plan for their life, and I was no different. I was, what I thought as, a ‘good guy’. A decent fellow. And I can tell you don’t believe me.

Okay, let me elaborate.

I mean, I wasn’t a saint, but I didn’t drink. I knew it was unethical. Irreligious. Narcotics were way too low to even attempt. I was always a straight student, with no hidden agenda. I mean, just to reinforce that, I was even Head Prefect. Shocked you, right?

Like every other guy of my ‘calibre’, I had the perfect plan. I had scored really high on my IEBs, was admitted to the institution of my choice, and of course, I had the girl of everyone’s dreams as my own.

Life was that good. I had a great future ahead. Or so I thought.

And then, of course, in my delusional world, something had to happen to rock the boat.

“I’m pregnant.”

I still remembered the shock that I had felt when I had heard the news, the week before the my final year was about to begin. It was like an arrow was shot into my chest, and I struggled not to physically stumble backward.

”What?” I said, swallowing hard as I tried to process what she was saying.

“You heard me, Adam.”

I did. I heard her.

But dammit, how I wished that I didn’t.

I bit my chapped lips as I looked at her and clicked my neck as the dull ache started again. All that staring at the computer wasn’t doing me much good. The work had become more intense and I had to put in more hours. I had noticed her retreating recently. I had noticed her put her guard up. I just didn’t notice the deepened lines of worry that were now etched on her face.

And then of course, I couldn’t help but think; How the hell did we take such a huge risk?

Like a defence, my IT brain took over almost instantly, and without even thinking, I said the most unthinkable thing.

“Can’t we just delete it?”

I know. I know. You probably want to twist my ear right now. Maybe even something worse. I mean, who says that?

Let me explain, okay?

Honestly, for a guy who worked with computers and gadgets almost 18 hours of the day, you could kind of understand why I couldn’t say anything besides something that was completely application related. Maybe, if you were being kind. To me, I was a programmer.  I created things, and I deleted them… it just seemed logical at the time… but of course… real life was a far cry from logic or anything technical, and she definitely didn’t let me forget it. I was probably just really tired.

Of course, I apologized afterwards. Profusely. It’s just that, when you say certain things, there’s little you can do to take it back, and even if you do, your words sometimes penetrate deeper than you think. I had promised her we’d get through it together. I had insisted we would get married. I had even told her that I’d put my studies on hold and get a job so that I could help her out, and just be there to support her. She even agreed.

And then, a week into the semester, just when I thought it was all going to be okay, it all spiralled out of control. It was in the middle of the night that she came to my study-flat near campus, literally broken inside.

“I…got… rid of it,” was all I managed to decipher in between her sobs.

At first I didn’t know what she was saying.  I didn’t understand. And then, of course, like a ton of bricks raining down on me, it hit me.

The pregnancy. The baby. My baby.

She got rid of it.

Yeah, I was messed up for a good few weeks after that.

I blamed myself. She had her excuses, of course. She couldn’t see it through. She couldn’t put her whole life on hold for a baby. After her BSc, she was accepted for medicine the following year and she would never be able to pause her dreams just to look after a kid. Her parents too, were devout Christians, so to add insult to injury, she feebly broke it to me that they would never accept a Muslim son-in-law.

So, what she was actually saying was … if we had any future… she wanted me to convert.

And yeah, to put it lightly, that’s when I caught the biggest wake up call of my life. It was like slamming into the Great Wall of Reality Checks.

I had, in fact, trodden to such a place, that in the eyes of others, I was even worthy of changing my religion. That’s when I knew that I was a goner. I was such a goner that my girlfriend had no faith in me to even consider keeping my child, because she had no inclination to even be a Muslim. And of course, how could it be her fault?

I had not even once showed her the essence of faith. Not once, did I portray to her even an inkling of the beauty of my religion. I had done nothing.. except just push her further away.

And of course, from then on, things took a turn for the worse, and it had to end. We could have gotten married. My parents would have accepted it. After all, I was brought up in a liberal family. But the fact that the baby was now… well… ‘gone’, well, that brought on another dimension completely. I felt hurt. Betrayed. And more importantly, everything had changed.

There was no way we could be together after that. I couldn’t even look at her without thinking of the baby… fetus… whatever it was. And of course, she felt the same way about us too. I told no-one the truth. It was just before the end of the semester that we mutually agreed to call it quits and parted ways. She was off to medical school and I was intent on pushing myself because I had a huge graduate program that I had been chasing for months. Besides that, I had started working on something else too.

After everything, even with being so busy, I knew that something in my life had to change. I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know where to start. I wanted to improve my relationship with my Creator too. Somewhere within me, after everything that had gone down, I felt lost. Empty. So, so empty.

Ever heard the term ‘moderate muslim’? It’s generally what the west uses to describe Muslims who don’t really practice Islam. The easy ones. The ones who they don’t feel ‘uncomfortable’ around. I mean, even I had felt uncomfortable around the hijaabi ladies and bearded Muslim men before I saw it’s beauty. I’m ashamed to say it but that’s how far I was. In short, I had no religion in my life. I didn’t even know the significance. I barely went to a mosque, and I seldom even did the basics.

My sister often called me to help with the kids, and I obliged because I felt sorry for her. Her husband was a nincompoop who no-one spoke well about, and my nephews were my delightful refuge. Being with them made me feel whole again. For that time, I forgot the emptiness that had gnawed at me since that fateful day when I had the biggest reality check I could ever encompass. Being with them healed me a little more, and even though they often drove me crazy, I didn’t know that being with them would give me the best thing I could ever imagine.

That’s where I saw Khawlah.

And if there was a girl I could ever say I knew before I even noticed, it was her. Dammit, all the boys would ever talk about was her. I mean, I remembered the first meeting when I had vaguely met her and her friend. It was short and not so sweet. I wasn’t in the best state of mind because things with the ex had just ended, and I was still trying to get back to normality… but I didn’t forget. I mean, as my new friend Ziyaad had often put it, how could you forget the day you finally found the ‘gold’?

And of course, that’s when I realized that I had got it wrong all along. How off-track I had been. Without even knowing it, I wanted that. I wanted what they had described. Before my sister had even found it, I knew that her boys had already got the gold. The thing with kids was, that they were real. Pure. So unimaginably flawless in their honesty. And when Danyaal had confessed in very certain terms that he actually loved her, I kind of felt my own heart skip a beat. It was just like… YOH.

The chatter… the ambition… their stories… would just soothe me. Pure goodness… Such sterling character. Those rowdy kids who I couldn’t handle for more than ten minutes at a time, had actually acquired such superb manners, in just a few weeks. Their fervour… their thirst… the amazing zeal for knowledge that they had developed… Man… it gave me a brain check.

I didn’t realize that my eyes had been shut all along. I didn’t realise just how blind I had been… how my parents had done me such a disservice by prioritising everything but my religion. They had taught me discipline. They had given me the best education. They had even made sure I was brought up in the ‘right way’. But without the guiding light of the way of my Prophet (SAW), I now realised that I was lost. I had no direction whatsoever. I had no ambition to even change, until I saw just how beautiful it could be… until I saw what she had brought.

Of course, in this truth… there was no Illusion.

And of course, as life would have it, I met an awesome Molvi. That itself is another story, but after asking him what he thought, I approached Ahmed about the… unapproachable.

And jasses… how I wished there was an application that I could create to read people’s minds. I’m sure it would be on the top ten apps, of all time, for all time.

The thing about the human mind, is that our Creator has designed it such a unique way, that no machine can even come close. No illusion could enable its invetion. The channels, avenues and process of thought that are part and parcel of every day life…. one cannot even imagine the power of our Lord. No technology could even come close. No lie could ever portray it.

But of course, like technology, it can be used in different ways too. Some people have the gift of the gab. I, for one, did not, but I somehow made my way. Ahmed, on the other hand, barely spoke. Except to joke about my ‘upper-class school accent’, Ahmed barely smiled. He was that solid. Scary solid.

“Can we talk alone?”

On the up side, I could tell that he probably liked me. I supposed that I had a habit of making people laugh, and that always stood as my strength.  He did, possibly, accept my inclination to his sister, in a most subtle way. He might have even encouraged it.

But I knew he didn’t know everything about me, and as I stood there with the most honourable intentions, hoping that maybe I could talk my way through this, and of course, make everything okay… I knew that I was taking the hugest risk….


Note to my dear readers:

 A bit of a twist, I know! Anyhow…

Just a thought as I was writing this, and a reminder to us all. Sometimes as we get caught up in this Duniyaa, we forget about the most important things. We take Deen for granted, especially where Deen is easy.  We forget just how important it is to uphold our values, and we get carried away. We forget, in our indifference, how blessed we are that we have  so much in this country, and sometimes, we forget that we are even Muslim. People in our very own country are losing their Imaan. Allah save us. 

Please, my dear sisters in Islam. I plead with you. We need to end the chase for online fame, Duniyaa, Social Media celebs and the rest… Don’t let it come to a point where Allah becomes so unhappy with us, that He takes away our freedom, our ability to cover ourselves or spread His Deen. Tears fill my eyes as I write this because I’ve heard of so many places where this has happened, sometimes because of ingratitude, or sometimes just a blatant disregard for Allah’s laws. We are also guilty of this attitude in South Africa. May Allah save us and help us to be the best examples.. especially for our kids. 

Please, please make me maaf if I have offended anyone. I’m so sorry for this small Bayaan. This has been on my mind, and the truth is that we are complacent. We are so lax when our Ulema try and guide us even in the small things and what is even more scary is we call them haters and think they wish bad for us..

I am most in need of the advices. Always need Duaas. Always look forward to the rambles of the readers.

 Much, much Love, 

A  🌸

The character of Nabi (SAW).

Nabi (SAW) was the most pleasant person. He would greet everyone with a smile and always spoke to people with gentleness. His companion said about Him:

“I have never seen a man who smiled as much as the Messenger of Allah.” (Tirmidhi)

This shows that the personality of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was pleasant and gentle.

Let’s revive this Sunnah InshaAllah, because it is through our Akhlaaq that people can see the light of Islam and beauty of Deen.

How easy to practise!






Twitter @ajourneyjournal

IG: @thejourneyingmuslimah


15 thoughts on “No Illusion

  1. How true those words are. May Allah make us from amongst those who better ourselves and be a means of hidayat for others.
    Yikes!!!!! Khawlas going to face the most challenging hurdle ever😣…
    On the other hand, from the beginning I could just feel that there was good in aadam😁 I mean not all males can be so patient with kids…. I dying for more🌺🌺

    Liked by 3 people

    • Aameen,
      It is a verrryyy difficult thing to come to terms with and accept but Khawlah also seems like she’s mature and may be able to step up to handle it. Let’s see though 🌸


  2. Loved this post and how relatable it is to our lives in today’s time 👌🏻
    Ziyaad has made an appearance !!!
    I’m so excited to see what happens !

    Jazakallah Khair for the post 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Amazing post mashAllah.. n the last message at the end is thoughtful we living in challenging times where shaytan is working his hardest we need to hold on to the pious people n thier company..

    Liked by 2 people

  4. May Allah protect us all from these worldly temptations and continue guiding us on the straight path, Aameen.
    I wonder how Khawlah is going to react to his past.
    JazaakAllah khair for the beautiful post!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Aameen…. so many trials out there and so many tests.
      Ooh… it’s going to be a difficult one because although you can’t exactly judge the guy, but when you are in that situation and you have to accept something so game -changing … is not an easy thing. Khawlah is tough but i wonder if she’s tough enough?

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s