Finding Faith

Bismihi Ta’ala 

Khawlah

Looking back, it’s easy to see when a mistake has been made. To regret a choice that seemed like a good idea at the time. Sometimes it just takes one moment that changes your life forever. One moment to rethink everything that you’ve always known.

But, then, there’s faith. You see, faith is something that comes through for you when you least expect it. I mean, it’s always there… but sometimes you have to dig really deep into it’s well, to see it’s magic. That with faith, and true Tawakkul, you believe, you accept… and you use it to build yourself up so you can conquer whatever it is that Allah places in your path. With that superpower, you feel the calmness in the storm, the sunshine through the rain… and all the pain and regret fades away…

”So this one’s a little bit of a sad story,” I started as I looked at the boys. “But it’s the most special one yet…”

It was the day before Aadam’s fall, and I had been desperate to see the boys before the second term craziness would take over. Of course, I had missed out on them for the most of the holiday. It was a miracle that I had got them still enough to have five sets of eyes fixated on me as I continued… Including Aadam’s.

”Once upon a time,” I started animatedly. “On a night when the stars had stooped as lowww as the roofs, and the entire house was filled with brilliant light, there was a beautiful little baby boy that was born…”

There was not even a single straying gaze as I spoke.

”He was actually destined to be the greatest of humans to exist,” I read on.“The King of Madina. At the time of his birth, it was a custom for the Makkan families to send their babies to the countryside… so they can breathe the freshest air and eat the most wholesome of food. It was here where they would get the best of care from the people of Banu S’ad who took care of them there. When the country people had come to take their babies, it so just happened that this little boy was one of the last to leave! You see…”

My voice dipped as they stared at me with wide eyes, obviously fearful of what was in store for the great human being that would become of that baby boy.

“He had no father,” I said softly. “Because he had passed away before he was born… and no-one wanted to take an orphan!
They thought that they wouldn’t get any money…
And just in time, Allah Ta’ala sent a lady named Halima Sa’dia who happened to set eyes on beloved Baby Muhammed (SAW), as something changed inside her heart. It was like a magnet that drew her to him. Something had stirred within her and she said to her husband: ‘By Allah! I will go to this orphan and by all means I will take him with me.’
Her husband agreed and replied: ‘Perhaps he may bring us Barakah…’
And that was exactly what he brought!”

”Who’s Barakah?”

It was Zia who spoke, with wide eyes as he watched my ever-changing expressions. Aadam was grinning to himself too, pretty amused by my version of story time. It was the first time he had witnessed the art of dramatization.

”She’s a girl in my Madrasah,” Dayyaan said seriously.

I stifled a giggle.

”They’re so silly,” Danyaal said, rolling his eyes.

”They’re still learning,” I said kindly, as I turned to look at them. “Barakah is blessings. When Nabi (SAW) was taken by  Bibi Halima, he gave them lots of blessings. Their camel was the fastest to reach their home. Their goats became the fattest… Their grass became the greeeenest…”

”And they had plenty of everything,” Danyaal finished blandly.

”But what was he like?” Dayyaan asked curiously. “This little boy. Was he naughty?”

I smiled as Aadam raised his eyebrows in silence. I noticed him stretching his legs painfully, but I shoved the concern to the back of my mind and looked at the boys.

”Not at all,” I said, a bit amused as I watched Danyaals face fall. He clearly wanted someone to relate to. The poor child was always being scolded for something or the other.

“He was really special. Not like any one of  us. From his blessed birth to his death… His wife, Aa’isha (RA) actually said something really amazing…”

I recalled the Hadith as I looked at them.

It is mentioned in the lengthy story about Sa’d ibn Hishaam ibn ‘Aamir, when he came to Madeenah and went to ‘Aa’ishah (RA) and asked her about some matters. He said: I said: O Mother of the believers, tell me about the character of the Messenger of Allaah (SAW).
She said: Do you not read the Qur’aan?
I said: Of course.
She said: The character of the Prophet of Allaah (SAW) was the Qur’aan.
I wanted to get up and not ask about anything else until I died… Narrated by Muslim (746).  

”When you get a little older,” I explained. “And you learn the Quran and it’s meaning… then you’ll know what an honest, humble and kind man Nabi (SAW) was…”

“What happened to him after?” Dayyaan asked, a bit worried. “When he went back to his mummy?”

”Well,” I said softly. “His mummy passed away when he was six….”

”Like you?”

I swallowed hard as I looked back at Danyaal.
He spoke softly and gently, and I knew he meant no harm, but my heart contracted as it struck me.

I nodded and tried to control my own emotions as Aadam looked like he was about to try and intervene. I gestured to him that it was okay, cleared my throat  and bravely continued.

“And then he was left to his grandfather,” I said blinking hard as I buried the surfacing emotion. “When his grandfather passed away, it was his Uncle, Abu Talib who took care of him till he was quite grown up. He loved him very, very much…”

The story of Abu Talib and his refusal to accept the Shahadah still brought tears to my eyes as I thought of it…

”And the main moral of the story, boys,” Aadam cut in as watched me with a wavering smile. “Is that you must always be good to your uncle. Be kind to him, don’t back-chat and never jump on his back. Let him win all the games on the PlayStation and buy him plenty of chocolates, yeah? Not chomp please… the expensive type from Switzerland that he likes and lots and lots of yummy-“

”Hey!” I said, widening my eyes at my husband, who was now grinning cheekily. I was trying to give the kids a Seerah lesson and my husband had missed the plot. “That’s not the main moral!

“That was the part that stood out for me!” Aadam grinned back, in his defense.

I shook my head at him as he ruffled the grinning boys hair, and came forward to peck me on the cheek.

”By the way, I love the way you tell stories,” he said softly, before heading off to the kitchen to bring more popcorn. “This one’s really going to stick with me forever…”

And as I smiled back at him that night, little did I know that the very next night I’d be watching a sedated version of this amazing guy who I missed all the more with every passing second. He was truly my better half. The sunshine through the rain. His character was something so unique, that every person who met him felt drawn to him..

And as I read to my husband, glancing in intervals at his steady heartbeat on the monitor as he lay between hospital sheets, I was somewhat perplexed about how everything had taken such a turn in such a short while.

Sometimes home is not a place. Sometimes home is two eyes and a beating heart.

”Khawlah.”

I looked up to see a man who had entered the room without me even knowing.

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”

Aadam’s uncle looked at me momentarily over his glasses as he took down some notes. I looked away as he waited for my answer, not surprised that Aadam’s uncle looked exactly like him, except that he was beardless and about fifteen years older.

I tried to swallow my fear as I thought about what happened a few hours ago. Ma was sitting in the corner of the room, an unreadable expression on her face. Oh, the regret I felt as I thought of how everything had just gone so horribly wrong…

”He climbed onto the bench,” I started shakily. “And then the ledge… and I don’t know what happened. It’s like he was crippled under his own body weight… and that’s when I just saw him tumbling down… it was so strange…”

”Has he been complaining of any pain in his legs? Numbness?” His uncle asked.

I shook my head.

”Any pain at all?” he glanced at me questioningly, almost like he was looking for a piece of a puzzle that he wanted to solve.

”His neck,” I said, recalling the times he had been in pain and refused to admit it. “And his back. His legs… maybe. He never said so, but I could see it…”

”I can’t be the one treating him,” he said, writing faster as he nodded and looked at both Ma and I. “It’s not allowed. But I need to know what’s going on. For such a young and energetic guy like Adam to suddenly injure multiple bones is not a normal thing. It could just be weakness of limbs…“

”When will he wake up?” I asked, ignoring the hint of something else that he was probably too afraid to say. Being here in this strange place with strange people was making me feel more down than I’d thought. I just wanted to go home… and take Aadam with me.

”He’s been sedated because of the pain,” he explained. “But we need to do more tests, with his consent. I think it’s best that we see what’s going on… hopefully it’s nothing serious.”

His expression changed slightly as he wrote more notes, and then went to sit next to Ma. I could hear them talking in low tones as I watched Aadam. He had injured his arm, broken his leg and damaged a few of his vertebra. The spinal injury was the a bit worrying, but the good news was that it would heal. I wasn’t even sure how it all happened… all I was grateful for was that he was okay.

The only thing that concerned me now that he was here, with so much of damage after just one fall… was the questions that arose. I sucked in my breath as I closed my eyes, wishing I could go back to a few hours ago , and just start this day all over again.

I looked at his stagnant frame, his steady rising and falling of his chest, finding it so unnerving to see Aadam in this immobile state. I kept revisiting that moment when he fell, and the more I did so, the more I felt like I was the one who was free-falling… just waiting for Aadam to wake up and catch me…

“Where is he? Where’s Adam?”

The voices cut through my thoughts as I heard Aadam’s uncle talking to someone outside. I knew that voice all too well but I wasn’t sure whether it was a good thing. My mother-in-law has a habit of blowing things out of proportion and I could hear from her brother’s tone that he knew that.

And of course I could imagine her anxiety.  It was no wonder that it was a few minutes later that she flew into the room, immediately rushing to my husband’s side, with tears in her eyes. For once, there were no death stares or sarcastic words directed at me… And then of course, as she turned to look at the chair in the corner of the room, her entire demeanor changed… as she spotted Ma.

“”salaamu’alaikum,” Ma said, standing up as my mother-in-law edged a little closer, almost as if she was unsure of how to behave.

And yes, as I watched them both, I was not just surprised.. but completely shocked out of my senses. It was the first time in my married life that I had ever seen my mother-in-law so disconcerted… so unsure of herself. It was almost as if she was afraid of Ma, to some degree.. although to me, Ma was the most fearless person I had ever met. It seemed like there was more to their history than Aadam had known… maybe a lot more that ever came out in the open…

“How are you keeping, Mumtaz?” Ma said, looking steadily at Aadam’s mother as they greeted awkwardly. She nodded meekly back, clearly emotional about the entire situation. Of course, the event for their overdue reunion were not exactly ideal…

And as they watched each other in semi-silence, almost as if they were unsure of how to break the very palpable ice, I knew that the best thing to do was leave them be. Despite not wanting to leave Aadam, I knew that he was in good hands and that it would be the perfect  opportunity for me to read Esha Salaah, get a cup of coffee and let the mother and daughter do some catching up. Besides, if there were any dramatic explosions due to happen, I definitely didn’t want to be the one to have to simmer them down.

I sighed as I excused myself and looked at my vibrating caller ID, seeing Rubeena’s number, but not knowing what to tell her. I wasn’t yet in a state to talk about it all.  I knew she was probably worried and anxious since she couldn’t be here, but just the thought of comforting someone else felt exhausting. I scanned the congested area outside for a seat as I stirred my coffee, spotting a single bench at the far corner, hoping that no-one would get there before me. All I wanted to do was sit in that isolated hideaway and think about nothing. I wasn’t exactly good with emotions… and expressing how I was feeling was proving a task. My mind was buzzing with information about various medical related conditions and I seriously needed it to stop.

I plopped myself down on the cold seat and breathed in, closing my eyes for a few seconds as I savored the feeling of the warm coffee in my hands. Aadam. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right…

”Hectic day?”

I opened my one eye to glimpse a young girl who had seated herself on the other side of the bench, with an identical cup of coffee in her hands.

I smiled weakly as I looked at her. Her eyes were strikingly violet, and her red hair was tied back tightly. Her white coat was open as she leaned back against the steel seating, and rubbed her temples. She was actually particularly stunning, in a completely unexpected way.

”You can’t even imagine,” I said blandly with a small smile, taking a sip of the subtly sweetened coffee. “I hate hospitals.”

I really did. It reminded me of the times when Mama would be in and out, for some reason or the other. She smiled back weakly.

”I think I’m getting there too… I’ve just worked a triple shift,” she said, sounding exhausted. “And I’m not even done yet. I haven’t eaten more than two Marie biscuits. That’s mini Maries, by the way. I’ve had about twenty emergency cases that could simply not wait.. We’ve only managed to save half of those lives and I’m absolutely exhausted, even with all of this coffee. Welcome to the club…”

I smiled sympathetically as she took a sip of her coffee, and looked at me apologetically.

”I’m sorry,” she said suddenly, shaking her head. “I know I’m random and I don’t usually do this. Just a bit in over my head here… sometimes I wonder if I really did the right thing by choosing this profession. I mean it’s got it’s perks and I love saving lives, but when you see people die right in front of your eyes and you can do nothing but just watch them…”

She looked away as she said it. She seemed like she was a genuinely nice person, and I knew that I could never judge her, but it was obvious that at present she didn’t really follow a faith…

And as I watched her speak, it was like a deep inclination that was telling me that I had to grasp this opportunity. I thought about how the pious people used any opportunity to spread the word of Deen, and I knew I didn’t compare… but I really wanted to try. She was in an emotional state and something within me was telling me that I had to reach out to her. Little did I know that in the process I would reach within myself too…

”But none of us are in control…“ I said softly. “It’s all in God’s hands, isn’t it?”

And as I said it, I couldn’t help but think to myself: Was it possible that Allah had placed her in my path to do some of my own introspection..?

She was looking at me with a stunned expression on her face.

“You sound just like my mother,” she said, with a small smile. “So much of faith. I always wonder how you guys do it, you know… believe so whole-heartedly that there’s a Greater Power, despite all the ugliness and injustice and crap that goes on in this world. It’s just amazing. People of faith. Well, meeting you… it kind of reminds me of my purpose in this life…”

She didn’t elaborate but I smiled as I thought of how different people have faith. Different people. Different faiths. Every heart created by one Supreme Lord that guided as He willed…

And yes, in my own heart of hearts I knew what I wanted to tell her, and what I should, but as I started, all I knew was that I was baring my soul to her in a most unconventional way. And through my own grief and confusion, as I was struggling to connect it all together myself, somehow everything fell into place as I let her into my little world of hope and faith and belief in One Amazing Creator that has all control. 

I told her about the greatest of Prophets (SAW) that we follow, about how Isa (AS) is also our prophet too, and about how we regard every messenger as exceptional as well… I told her about how we pray five times a day to keep that connection with our Creator, how we ‘meditate’ to stregthen our relation with Him and how gratitude and complete Tawakkul in Allah is the superpower that guides us through even the most difficult of trials…

”Wow,” she said, just as I finished, with raised eyebrows. “I’m speechless. I love what you just said about handing over your affairs over to God and letting it go… it’s beautiful. I had no idea that Muslim people were so… deep. I knew a Muslim once and he was a great guy… but he was different… I don’t think he knew much about his faith. And something is telling me that I need to sit down and speak to  you for longer… but I have a few more hours on duty before I’m going to crash. What’s your husband’s name, by the way? Hopefully I’ll see you again. I’m just an intern but I’ll tell the supervising doctor to keep an eye on him while you guys are not around for the night… if you want?”

She was actually such a sincere person and I too really wished I could talk to her more. Faith… well, when you find it and truly have that unexpected power that sheds light on even the darkest of days… it changes everything.

She took a swig of her coffee as I told her which ward he was in.

“His uncle actually practises here,” I said finally, gesturing in the direction of the medical ward. “My husband is his sister’s son. His name is Aadam…”

And at the mention of his name, that was precisely when she choked on her coffee.

---

Dear Readers,

Shukran to ALL those readers who provided those Duaas for kids. It truly is appreciated. Please let me know if anyone requires them for themselves, and I will post/e-mail.

As an aspiration for this month of Rabi-ul-Awwal, let’s take a little time to learn about the character of Nabi (SAW)… and try extra hard to implement the Sunnah in our lives InshaAllah… the way of our Prophet (SAW) has so many benefits Alhumdulillah …

Sunnah of Drinking Water:

Prophet Muhammad (Sallallaho Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Do not drink water only in one breath, but drink it in two or three breaths.”

Scientific studies show that there are many harmful effects in drinking water in one gulp. It can cause choking of esophagus. It especially weakens the muscles and nerves. It is also detrimental for the liver and stomach. Amazing, SubhaanAllah!

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