A Warrior’s Fear

Bismihi Ta’ala


There are some exceptional people of the past who desired death as much as we desire to live. There were some extraordinary warriors of previous eras who would throw themselves into enemy lines, fighting with every ounce of them to not return alive. They would crave a meeting with Allāh, just as we, after a long arduous journey, yearn to return back home.

Their’s was a burning desire so intense, so bad… that Allah even granted the status of the Shuhadaa for their unwavering souls, even though they passed away in their beds.

Sometimes it’s not about winning or losing. About living or dying. But sometimes we want something so badly, yet we have to keep reminding ourselves that the outcome is not determined by our own efforts… because when Allah decides a matter, it is as if it’s already done… 

The thing is, as I pushed myself to the limits as I grew, I didn’t know yet that to be a real warrior, it wasn’t only about strength. You had to have your heart in it too. You have to gain passion. Love. Conviction. The overwhelming desire for death that overpowers all else… 

Because until you read about the lives of the true warriors, you never really learn what being a true believer is about. Amongst the stories of the legendary Khalid bin Waleed, Mus’ab bin Umair, Jafar bin Abu Talib (RA) and many more… one of the stories that kind of made it all real for me was the martyrdom of Abdullah bin Rawahah (RA).

And as the story goes, it so happened that  as these warriors of Islam were being martyred at Mut’ah… Allah Ta’ala, in His absolute power, made it possible for Nabi (SAW) to wintness these events as they were unfolding before his blessed eyes. He recounted the events to the Sahaba in Madina Munawwarah, as all intervening veils between him and the battlefield were miraculously lifted… He gave them the glad tidings, while they waited with bated breath. It was occurring just as he had prophecised.

“Zaid has taken the standard and he fought the disbelievers until he was martyred and he entered Jannah.”

You can imagine the thrill of the Muslims at his valour.

“Then Ja‘far took the flag and also fought valiantly until he was martyred. He is now soaring with the angels in Jannah with the aid of two wings.

Thereafter, Abdullah bin Rawahah has snatched up the flag.”

Nabi (SAW) observed a silence at this point, and the hearts of the Ansaar were in their throats, for fear of his fate. Nabi (SAW) was seeing the battle before his eyes, and they were anxious to know the outcome of their Ansaari brother.

On the battlefield, Abdullah (RA) had moved forward on his horse, but slightly hesitated to advance towards the enemies. He rebuked himself  steadily and said:

             “Oh my Nafs! I swear you will dismount from this horse and engage the enemies of Allah whether you like it or not. 

Why is it that I observe you harbouring an aversion towards Jannah? (Why is it that you are not advancing speedily?)

Oh my Nafs! Even if you are not killed today, you are inescapably going to die one day. This is an inevitable destiny of the process of death!

What you had desired is now available to you (an opportunity of martyrdom in  Allah’s path).

If you accomplish the feats of those two guided people (Zaid and Ja’far who passed away before him), then you will be well-guided!”

He then dismounted from his horse, his cousin came to him with a meaty bone, saying, “Have some of this, for you have suffered much these days.” He took it and ate a little, then heard a noise coming from a certain direction. He looked at the bone he  was  eating  and  said, “You  are  still  engaged  in  this  world!”

He threw down the bone, took his sword, pressed forward and fought until he was killed – May Allah be pleased with him!

Nabi SAW continued to relate to the Ansaar…

“Now Abdullah bin Rawahah has engaged the disbelievers. He also fought gallantly until he was martyred. All three of them are in Jannah and all three of them are relaxing on golden thrones, but…”

The Ansaar are relieved. Thrilled. But anxious at what else Nabi SAW has seen…

“I noticed the throne of Abdullah Bin Rawahah (RA) unsteady and shaking. When I enquired the reason for this I was informed that Abdullah (RA) was overcome with reluctance before he engaged the enemy. Only after a slight hesitancy did he step forward and fight whilst his companions, Zaid and Jafar engaged the enemy without a trace of reluctance.”

And with tears brimming from his blessed eyes, Nabi (SAW) then said.

“After them, a Sword of the Swords of Allah (Khalid bin Waleed (RA)) has taken hold of the flag of Islam… He fought until Allah granted the Muslims victory.”

And of course, I was simply speechless as I processed it. Their bavery. Their skill. Imagine. They loved Allah. They loved His Rasul. They loved to die!

But still… in those final moments of truth, was it not natural for fear to overcome some? And yet, was it not a true miracle to witness that passion of those who had such sublime love for Allah, that they would wholeheartedly march to their fate, knowing they they would most likely die at the hands of the approaching enemy…

The stories of war and their courage and their faith inspired me endlessly, but this was one that brought to light for me the truth of this world.

How this world snatches us away from our purpose is a peculiar thing. We’re still scared to lose this life, although we know that we are promised unexplainable pleasures in the hereafter.

No-one is immune to fear. Even the big guys get scared. No matter how tough anyone seems, there’s always a mellowness inside us that sometimes catches us off-guard.

And more than anyone, I knew this. I breathed in as I cowardly bargained with Allah… after so many losses, I was scared. So, so scared to feel that way again. I didn’t how I would really fare if my brother-in-law wasn’t okay.

And as I finally made it to the hospital that night, my blood pumping with Adrenalin as I literally pushed my humble VW to its limits, all sorts of things clouded my mind.

With my heart racing uncontrollably in my chest, I stepped into the hospital that night as I scanned the waiting area.

Khawlah sat in the corner, and as she spotted me, I could see her talking easily to a female doctor who I tried hard not to look at. She greeted her affectionately before she headed towards me with tears in her eyes. I didn’t know at that time, that it was for a completely unexpected reason.

“Is that Adam’s doctor?” I asked, anxious for news.

Inside, I was in turmoil.

“Not exactly,” she said with a small smile. “But she’s well acquainted with his history…”

”You mean there’s a medical history?” I said, not knowing that Khawlah was in a world of her own right then, and meant something entirely different. All I knew was that I couldn’t wait to see the facts. I had to know. “Is he awake?”

Khawlah shook her head at looked at me with unfiltered emotion in her eyes. And I could see that she was emotional and I seriously wished that I could have offered her a hug, but being who I was, all I could do was swallow hard and stuff my hands in my pockets as she looked ahead in a daze.

”Are you okay?” I asked, knowing it was a dumb question. We headed up to the ward as she sighed, and I could see that she was quite far from it.

”It’s just been an eventful day,” she said softly. “Sorry. Aadam is a bit battered up but he’s okay for now. There’s just too many things have happened altogether and it’s a bit draining…”

I couldn’t imagine being in her place. I wasn’t good with this stuff and I knew it was a helluva lot of havoc for someone as young as Khawlah, but what I knew was that she had a strength that none of us could even dream of. Resilience. Bravery. All that and more.

She didn’t elaborate as she headed down the passage, stopping in front of the ward and gesturing for me to go in. And of course, I was a little anxious at what I would see, but all that met me was a stagnant Adam that lay motionless on the bed.

”Don’t worry, he’s just sedated,” a man with a white coat, who looked spookily like my brother-in-law said with a small smile. “He’ll wake up.”

”Insha Allah,” I said automatically, stretching out my hand to greet him. “Ahmed.”

”I’m Siraj,” he said, as I noticed his slightly greying hair. “Adam’s uncle.”

The women in the room moved out of the vicinity as we spoke briefly, as Adam’s uncle quietly told me that his waking up was really important. If he was in a normal frame of mind it would be a good sign. If there was any brain damage, or memory blocks, there could be other complications…

I kept looking at Adam in intervals, hoping he would suddenly wake up… but not really expecting it. I mean, those momentary things just didn’t happen when I was around. And it was the most surreal thing ever, a mere 3 minutes before visiting hours were about to end and I ready to head out, my heart almost seized in my chest as I saw him shifting and then wincing, before opening his eyes to scan the room.

Of course, I could hardly believe it was actually happening as I saw his eyes flutter open because it was the moment we were all waiting for…

But, hell, I was so scared. I was literally holding my breath as he groggily closed his eyes again, and then opened them again with a frown.

”Adam,” his uncle said. “Can you hear me? Are you in pain?”

Adam raised his one eyebrow at his uncle without saying a word.

”Adam?” he said again, waving his hand in front of Adam’s face. “Can you see me?”

Hmmm,” Aadam said, licking his dry lips.

A good sign right? Or maybe he couldn’t talk?

Oh crap. All sorts of things were going through my mind. That wasn’t good.

”Do you need anything?”

Aadam shook his head slightly. Well, as well as he could with the brace he had on. He really looked a wreck.

You could literally hear a pin drop in the room as all eyes fixated on my brother-in-law for a good few minutes as we watched him shift slightly, probably trying to get to terms with what had happened. I was sure it was a huge shock for him to wake up like this and I really wished that I had words to comfort him… I wanted to call Khawlah because I knew she should be here, but I literally could not tear myself away.

”Do you know what happened?” Someone else was asking, as Adam seemed to finally focus.

And of course, we were all in limbo as Adam opened his mouth…

But his next words.. were what knocked us for a six.

”Anyone… seen my wife?” He said with slightly raspy breath, and a mischievous glint in his eye. “Or did she… actually make a run for it… after she pushed me over the edge?”

His face held a tiny smirk as he blinked at us, and of course, we couldn’t help but crack up at his impromptu humor.

This guy really took the tea. For the first time in a while, I couldn’t help but chuckle uncontrollably as I went to call Khawlah in, my heart already feeling less burdened by the awesome news that he was well and obviously, very much in his senses. It was like a huge weight that was lifted off my heavy shoulders.

I could see the shadow of a smile on Khawlah’s face as I narrated to her Adam’s comical words and she grinned with slightly teary eyes. I knew that as she disappeared into the ward, she would probably give Aadam a witty comeback to his odd compliments… and as I walked back to my car after that, feeling lighter and in a better state to take the drive back home, the relief was overwhelming.

Of course, the excitement was contagious. Everyone was ecstatic about Adam being back to his normal self. What no-one knew was that Adam was the only person who knew that this wasn’t just a simple accident. What happened was a sign of something more complicated that many of us ignored. Yes, it was a huge scare but I think we all so badly wanted Aadam to be fine and Khawlah to be happy, that when we saw him starting to mobilize and become more like his old self again, all we did was shove our concerns under the carpet and carry on with life.

Ignorance is bliss. Truly. I lived in my blissful world of samoosa runs and keeping my eyes peeled for girls who looked like they were ready to take the next step.

As time went on, and I gpt absorbed in my life, there was a restlessness within me that I couldn’t seem to extinguish. It had been brewing for a while, and as I saw girl after girl after girl… instead of the flame wavering, it only seemed to intensify. And through all that, I just couldn’t seem to find what I was looking for.

And that’s when I had to put my foot down. Enough was enough. The last girl I had met seemed to fit the profile of what I was looking for. The facts were, I wasn’t sure how all of this stuff was really supposed to feel. Though my past wasn’t the most admirable, I had never been serious with girls, and neither did I didn’t want to delve into my recent past to try and figure it all out. All I knew was that something about this particular lady made her stand out to me, and despite having other reservations…  I casually announced to my family that it was probably time to take some burfee down to her house.

And maybe I should have see the signs when Khawlah entered the room. Maybe I should have known when I saw her come into the lounge, that something about her wasn’t right.

If it was up to me, I probably would have kept the entire thing hushed until her mood lightened up, but since Dada was already there playing with Muhammed and listening in on Zuleikha’s excitement, he couldn’t help but blurt out, in true Dada style, that there were some very eventful happenings due to occur soon.. like a Waleemah.

Khawlah looked up sharply as he said it, with a slight frown on her face.

“The same one you were talking about?” She said, looking at me cynically. Well, of course she would be.

“Yup,” I said bluntly. “She’s the one.”

“But she’s divorced with a kid,” Khawlah said with raised eyebrows.

And of course, I could see my elder sister shoot me a worried glance as she raised her eyebrows, obviously not expecting this snippet of information that Khawlah had so graciously offered.

I breathed in deeply as I glared at her, just a tiny bit annoyed at her indiscretion.

“Since when is that a problem?” I said heatedly. “Your father is divorced too. With four kids.”

“Please Ahmed,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s not the same and you know it. You know what divorces can be like. You know what it does to kids. You’ve had enough experience in that field now. You really want that kind of baggage?”

”Ah Khawlah,” Yunus said as he sat in his corner couch and watched us. Sometimes I even forgot that my younger brother existed. “Why’re you being so hard?”

I could see Zuleikha wanting to say something too but I held my hand to stop her. I tried to ignore the underlying accusations there, but I knew how to handle Khawlah. She was just lucky that I was in a good mood.

“I know what I’m doing, Khawlah,” I said steadily. “I’m not a child.  I know what I’m doing and why I need to do this. Isn’t it Sunnah to marry divorced women?”

She shook her head, already looking a little remorseful.

“I’m not undermining you,” she said, looking apologetic. “I just… I wasn’t sure if you may be having other reasons for being attracted to her. Like maybe she reminds you of someone else…”

I waited for my body to react in the usual way it did, when I heard about Rubeena.. But much to my surprise that night, weeks since everything had gone down… finally, there was nothing holding me back. Nothing at all.

“Let’s not even go there,” I said with a shrug. “It’s done and dusted okay? How would we ever move forward if we going to dwell on the past?”

I supposed Ziyaad was right in one aspect, when he saw my withdrawn face all those weeks ago. Although I rejected most of his womanising theories, I realised there was some truth in his advice to find something.. or rather.. someone else to focus on. I smiled to myself as I remembered his good humour as I told him about my unintentional part in possibly breaking someone’s marraige. The regret still haunted me on some days.

Khawlah blinked with the realisation.

“I suppose you’re right,” she said pensively. “I think it’s great that you’re moving on… And I truly hope that you’ve found the person who will bring out the best in you.. be your better half… make you smile, and raise you to heights that are amazing and beautiful and overflowing with love for Allah. I sincerely want the best for you, and hope you are making the right choice. Of course, I’ll make lots of Du’aa that you’ll live happily ever after, with lots of gorgeous kids who have your eyes and all the rest…”

I could see Zuleikha’s eyes shining as she smiled. Khawlah had developed some of Adam’s quirky humour and I liked it. It was funny.

“Like you and Adam,” I said indifferently. I wasn’t a soppy kind of guy but I really did admire the easy bond that my sister had with her husband.

I really meant it as a compliment and honestly didn’t expect what followed….

Because just as she met my gaze, there was a streak of something unrecognisable in her eyes, and she promptly burst into tears.

NB. So sorry about the delay and any shortfalls in the post. I hope next week is a bit calmer. Also, make maaf for those who have mailed me, I will reply when I get a chance. Lots of comments are going to spam, and I will try and check those regularly as well..

Will try and post on time next week, Insha Allah. 
Much Love,

A xx

Sunnah of Drinking Water

Sit down before drinking water. No matter you are in hurry for something, but that should not stop you from taking a moment to sit down and drink water in a healthy way. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “Sit down and drink” (Muslim). Science also proved that drinking water whilst standing or walking can cause Gastrointestinal Tract (GIT) damage, kidney damage, arthritis, nerve tension, and other disorders.

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25 thoughts on “A Warrior’s Fear

  1. Please dear authoress, whatever you do. Pretty please with a cherry on the to, do not kill Aadam.

    Ahmed isn’t as bad as I thought him to be… Lesson- Never judge.

    I wonder what’s up now, Did Aadam and Khawlah have another fight!?? Can we call you the queen of cliffhangers? 👅

    Jazakillah khayr for the lovely post. 🌸

    Liked by 6 people

  2. My heart breaks for Khawlah, just when something goes right, something comes back to hurt her💔💔💔💔
    Sister we need to hand you the Cliffhanger crown because the other queen (Being Muslim author) seems to have disappeared from the blog world 👑

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Too much of emotion in this post,

    Now I’m wondering if the little miracle you wrote a while ago if it could be Adams child that his ex said she aborted,
    Maybe she never and that is why Khawlah was so emotional when Ahmed found her at the hospital

    My imagination running wild

    Liked by 9 people

  4. Gosh… So many things happening. Poor khawlah.😢 Every time normality sets in, another wave will rock her boat. I’m curious about Adam. Didnt any tests show some clue as to what may be the problem…
    I loved her dua to ahmed for his marriage.. was just so beautiful ❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Do these tears mean khawla can’t have kids.. my heart pains for khawla it seems i understand her so well.. I connect well with these characters.. imagine living a life of drama like this it’s draining man.. but it can be a good story 😂 like a real living joke.. I love your writing sister..

    Liked by 3 people

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