Matters of the Heart

Bismihi Ta’ala

Khawlah

Once upon a time… in a permanent world where every soul was created, there were souls that would meet with other souls, before they became part of this temporary world.

It was a world where each soul was shown Allah’s beauty and understood it. It was a place where they whole heartedly submitted to one Rabb… the Lord of the Worlds. It was a place where they had first understood what it means to submit… where they connected to the one thing that would become the foundation of their love… where they would one day hold this love within a heart that will one day pump and thrive on its very meaning…

Because there’s something magical about the heart that you only come to understand when you truly feel it. Something like no other vessel. It’s uniqueness is unparalleled. Western studies speak about a heart which pumps blood to every organ of the body. A fist sized muscle that performs a vital function, distinguishing between life and death.

But there is a heart that Nabi (SAW) spoke about, which is within this very cavity of the beating one. Our beloved Nabi (SAW) spoke about a heart that is the king of the body. A heart that feels and turns and decides. A heart that can be hurt and scarred. One that can be healed and fixed.

A heart that says yes. A heart that says no. A heart that’s swayed by emotion. A heart that makes decisions.

A heart that most importantly, recognizes Allah, it’s Creator. If that heart turns… then there’s nothing that can ever stand in it’s way. If this heart is not swayed by the Almighty, then nothing in this world can move that soul. When your heart wants something… it triumphs everything that may come between it. Sometimes we just don’t know with matters of the heart, because way back when, it was only the heart that truly recognized the Greatest Power of all, who was it’s Creator and Sustainer and everything in between.

Anas RA reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, would often say, “O turner of the hearts, affirm my heart upon your religion!” I said, “O Messenger of Allah, we believe in you and in that with which you were sent. Do you fear for us?” The Prophet SAW said, “Yes, for the hearts are between the fingers of Allah. He turns them whichever way he wills.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2140 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani

And even when I looked back, from what remember, the day’s that followed the big move to Aadams place were still like a dream. And no, it wasn’t only about the superficial aspects. It wasn’t just about the honeymoon part of the marriage that most couples find the highlight. It was being with someone whose heart had seen worse days. It was about being awakened to a new life and a new possibility that Allah had opened for him. It was just seeing this beauty that made me see everything else from a completely different perspective. It was a beauty that had changed a huge part of my heart.

And yes, I had understood that this move was one that was unlike the usual type of moves. This was a special one. It involved a different kind of patience. An understanding. Within the intensity and the moments of overwhelming adoration and love, a deep compassion and consideration was built from both sides… because through understanding that Aadam was not the boisterous and overly- energetic guy that I always knew, he also understood that I was dealing with a lesser version of Aadam that I was used to.

The amazing part was that it didn’t make me love him any less. If anything, the love that I had always harbored deep within now seemed to be overflowing.

And yes, I did wish that I was one of the giggly newly married girls who could complain about the annoying husband that they secretly love to bits, but the fact with Aadam was that everything about him was exceptional. And yes, though his socks on the corner of the room would sometimes annoy me, or his chatter when he couldn’t fall asleep in bed would disturb me too, there was nothing that I could truly complain about, because I knew that there was a possibility that it may be those very things that I might come to sorely miss. Long story short, to me, right then, my husband was pretty much amazing.

Being who he was of course, with his quirky humor, was what made it all the more memorable. Aadam was just the kind of person that brightened up the darkest days…. Even in the middle of the night.

”Ahem Ahem,” he said, feigning a clearing of his throat as we lay in bed after praying an early Tahajjud together, listening to the sounds of the city pass us by. “I think it’s time to give a final vote of thanks… to my incredible wife who saved me from the clutches of my mother who wants to torture me with her unmentionable concoctions…”

”Shame man,” I said, grinning to myself in the dark. “It’s only because she cares-“

”Next time, sweets,” he said seriously. “You need to down it and then talk. I love that she cares but she’s gets a little overbearing, yeah..?”

I looked up into the dark as he said it, wondering how he took everything in his stride. How he dealt with his sickness with such conviction and faith that he never looked at it as a misfortune…

“You’re doing so well, though,” I said, getting a little emotional about how perfect he had been these two days, and hoping it wasn’t just a passing phase. “Maybe it really is helping. You know there’s a cure for every disease. We just need to have faith in Allah’s mercy and keep fighting…”

“Of course,” he said quietly. “Allah is being so kind to me so far, love. It’s like everything is just coming together and I don’t even deserve it. Thank you for coming…”

”Aadam, I wanted to be here,” I said softly. “You don’t have to say thank you.”

“I do,” he insisted. “And let me tell you why. It was because I was scared. I didn’t want to take this step because I was so scared that I’d be punished for my past. It was you who changed that… and made me real differently. You showed me that it didn’t matter who I was. You showed me that I could move past that person that I had once hated. You showed me the Merciful Lord that I never knew… One that not only forgives, but also demands that the angels forget…”

”Aadam, stop,” I said, cutting him off.

”What?!” He said innocently.

”Don’t talk like you’re not waking up tomorrow…” I said sternly.

”And in case I don’t wake up tomorrow,” he announced stubbornly, just to spite me. “I have something that I have to say..”

I playfully whacked his arm, shaking my head at him. The reality was too painful to even imagine.

”Seriously, Khawlah,” he said, his voice dropping as I listened to his slightly labored breathing. ”I love you so much.”

I reached for his hand silently as he said it, feeling his pulse in the dark. At that moment it seemed more alive than ever.

”Hey Aadam,” I said softly, swallowing hard.

”Yeah?”

”I forgot to tell you..” I started, glad it was dark and he couldn’t see my face.

”What sweets?” He pressed, turning to face me. I could almost see the trace of the fine lines on his forehead as he frowned.

It was on the tip of my tongue yet the words were like putty. Sometimes the most important things are the hardest things to say.

He reached for my face on the dark, cupping in other one warm hand.

His hands were always so warm. Too warm. Sometimes it scared me. I kept thinking that maybe he had a fever or some infection… or something untraceable that the doctors hadn’t picked up.

I shoved the thought out of my mind.

Just say it, something urged me.

”I love you.”

I said it. And just as I did so, it was like the floodgates of happiness overcame my entire being. I honestly could not even think of anything else that would have meant more at that moment.

And I was glad the room was dark but I could almost hear Aadam smiling back within it.

”I know,” he said simply. “I always knew that you were going to say it…”

And as I drifted off into a semi-slumber in my husband’s arms, I just knew that it was the right moment that I had revealed a part of my heart…

And to my surprise, it was the way he had been waking me up in the early parts of the morning that had just made it for me. It was at that very moment, as I lay there, that I realized that nothing in the world could triumph the feeling of someone wanting the best for your hereafter. Of someone else he wants to not just spend this life with you, but also help you plan for the next.

It was absolutely incredible.

“Wake up, beautiful,” Aadam had whispered. “Don’t you want the gold?”

The gold? Where was it that I had heard about the gold before…

”Imagine being the one who is praying to your Lord when the rest of the world is sleeping?” He whispered. “Imagine being able to connect to Him, the Lord of the worlds.. one-on-one. Imagine you calling out to Him… Who controls the entire universe, and Him being shy to turn you away. To pray, to worship… to build that bond through begging and pleading… to ask Him to heal what’s been hurt and fix whatever has ever been broken… Can you imagine that feeling, Khawlah? Can you imagine how your heart will feel after that?!”

The heart… yes! That’s was it. The polishing of that heart… well… That’s where the gold was. When the heart decides it wants Allah… then it will go through the entire world to find. When the heart decides… nothing can hold it back.

And being with Aadam and seeing his approach to life in everything he did was what made me love being here. Usually when involved in worldly pursuits, we get caught up in it’s pleasures. It was expected. With Aadam though, it was precisely the opposite. From his daily Adhkaar to his Quran Tilawat that he never missed at every Salaah time. From his constant reminders of the Power of Allah and to the wonders that’s I saw within him… I felt like my soul was getting a kind of revolutionary upliftment that it never experienced before… and it caught my heart completely by surprise.

And as I woke up to the smell of the coffee machines magic the next morning, I silently entered the kitchen, already reveling in the  audible Quranic recital that was coming from my husbands lips as I walked in. He was reciting his Surah Yaseen softly to himself, so seemingly engrossed in it that I didn’t think he even noticed my arrival.

“So about this morning,” Aadam smiled as he ended his recital to come up to me and peck my cheek. He turned back to buttering the slices of toast for us.

”What about this morning?” I asked innocently, feigning ignorance.

“You’re such a pretender,” he grinned, winking at me and then returning to the the toast. “Peanut butter or honey?”

”I see your mothers having an effect on you,” I said with a smile. “I need real sugar please. Where did she hide that golden syrup? I feel bad that you’re always making me stuff and I just sit here and take advantage. Can I please just take over the kitchen for now?”

“In time,” he said sweetly. “Let me do it for now… I’m scared you might burn the toast…

He looked up at me as he passed me my toast and coffee, and I found myself feeling a little more self conscious than usual. It was just that Aadam was looking at me strangely and it was making me feel weird. 

“Don’t do that,” I said, frowning at him.

”Do what?” He asked innocently. “I’m only looking at my beautiful wife who just bared her soul to me in the wee parts of the morning…”

I could feel my cheeks reddening. Saying those three words were harder than I had thought. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to say them again anytime soon.

“Thank you, Khawlah,” he said softly, his dark eyes meeting mine. “Loving you has been amazing. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me…”

I swallowed as he continued looking at me, not really sure how to answer.

It had been an amazing two days. Almost like a dream. Aadam had switched his phones off and stowed his laptops away, and to be in his amazing company and have his undivided attention for all that time was incredible.

“I think we might need a distraction today,” Aadam said, sounding like he was on to something. “Ive had a pretty eventful morning otherwise…”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I took a bite of the toast, a little confused.

Aadam was right. He had very high toast standards. His toast was perfectly browned. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to compare.

He gave a small smile as I studied the edges.

”Well, I switched my phones back on this morning,” he started. “And I kind of got bombarded… so let’s just switch it off again and act like I never even noticed…”

My heart thudded in my chest as I thought of all the possibilities. For those few days I had forgotten about Hannah’s baby, who she had contact me about last week. I even forgot about Rubeena and Zuleikha, and my brothers…

”Is everyone okay?” I asked, thinking about the kids now. What if something happened to one of them?

”You know I love your family, beautiful,” he said. “But they really do top the charts when it comes to family drama…”

I sighed.

”Ahmed and Zuleikha at it again?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “My brothers been really complicating life…”

”To tell the truth,” Aadam said, looking at me. “From what he says, I don’t think it’s really his fault…”

”What do you mean?” I asked. “Did you speak to him? Knock some sense in?! He’s been chasing women for the past few months and it’s still got his act to together. Why start something he won’t finish?”

Aadam looked at me, his one eyebrow doing funny things as I watched him back thoughtfully.

“Do you think that maybe he’s afraid of commitment?” I asked, looking at my husband with interest.

It seemed like he knew more than my brother than I did.

”Precisely the opposite,” Aadam said, shaking his head. “He’s not afraid of committing. He’s just afraid of comitting to the wrong person. Let’s forget about it for now, yeah? I’ll chat to him properly later…”

”Ugh,” I scoffed, knowing that it was the typical excuse that commitment-phobic people used. “Why are you even being nice about it? He’s my brother and I can’t stand the way he’s acting right now. It’s like his got ants in his pants or something.”

Aadam shrugged, not meeting my eye. He was fiddling on his shelf, looking for some evasive item. His shelves were absolutely impeccable by any standards. I could not believe that I was actually married to this perfectionist of a guy who I was the exact opposite of, yet connected with on so many levels…

“Just,” he said vaguely, busying himself with something he had written next to the counter. His eyes lit up as he looked at me.

“I’ve got a great idea… why don’t we head off on that long-awaited date that we were supposed to, before you head back home?”

”Aadam,” I said, putting down my mug of coffee and narrowing my eyes at him. “Stop avoiding the subject. I love that you love my family. I really do. But please tell me why you don’t just tell Ahmed where to get off and let it be done and dusted? Like really. He needs a good reprimanding.”

”Khawlah,” Aadam said as he looked up from the paper he held in his hand. “Don’t be so tough on the guy. He’s had a rough time. I’ll chat to him when the time is right. Can we drop it and think about something else?”

I almost wanted to laugh. He’s had a rough time? Really?! And our lives were all perfect. Not to mention, what about the rough time he was giving us by turning everything upside down?

I shook my head, getting ready to argue. Aadam’s good nature and unassuming approach always made him overlook people’s faults. This time he had to know.

”Don’t feel sorry for him!” I said stubbornly. “It’s just like conquest after conquest and it really isn’t acceptable or even Islamic because just when we think that something may be happening, he goes and causes it and everything falls apart!

Aadam looked at me with sympathy in his eyes. He was obviously not swayed by my complaints.

”Let’s leave the guy alone, yeah?” He said softly. “How’s about we head off to more greener parts-“

”I won’t until you tell him what I said!” I said, folding my arms across my chest and sitting on the stool next to the kitchen nook.

”And what may that be, gorgeous?” Aadam smiled, looking at my sulky face. “Who am I to judge him? Imagine if I had to tell him to sort his life out and stop making bad decisions? Do you have any idea how many bad decisions I had made in my life?! It’s like the pot calling the kettle black…”

I looked at my husband, noticing a flicker of pain there that I often saw when he spoke of his past. There were times when it still cut me up too, but I didn’t dwell on it…

How much it still pained him after all these years was quite unbelievable…

“Besides,” he added. “I’m not trained in martial arts like you. Ahmed kind of scares me, and I can assure you that it won’t go down very well, yeah..”

I smiled as he looked at me and winked.

“I just want it all to be fixed,” I sighed, feeling deflated.

Aadam looked pensive as he rolled his shoulders slightly painfully. I knew that the pain came and went but it always worried me.

“The guys hurting,” he said simply. Sometimes it’s not so easy to fix broken hearts..”

I narrowed my eyes at my husband suspiciously.

A broken heart?! What was Aadam talking about?

He looked away as I stared at him questioningly, suddenly averting his gaze to the pamphlet he had found earlier.

”Aadam,” I said with a frown. “Are you hiding something from me?”

”I would never,” he said, a slight twinkle in his eye. “I’m just looking at this gorgeous brochure…”

”Liar,” I insisted, frowning. “Please don’t tell me that there’s been another issue with my uncle?! I want to know. What is he hurting about? Is it his ex fiancé? Was she the one who actually pulled the plug on it and it’s cutting him up? Or was it someone else in his past?! Gosh, I cannot even keep up..”

Aadam folded his arms across his chest and looked at me cynically.

“C’mon Aadam,” I moaned. “Just tell me!”

Somehow, the need to know was overwhelming. What I didn’t know was that I probably went going to like what Aadam had to say…

”Promise you won’t get angry?” He said, looking a little nervous as he sat on the stool near the kitchen door.

I hated it when people said that.

How must I know my reaction if I didn’t know what was going to be said? I nodded anyway, because I wasn’t going to let this go either way.

“So once upon a time, in a land of perfectly ordinary family politics, before this whole escapade blew completely out of proportion, there had been a minor secret matter of the heart that set Ahmed off…”

I stared at my husband, not amused by his storytelling techniques.

”Get to the point, please,” I said snappily.

”Long story short,” he said with his usual one-dimpled grin. “Your brother proposed for my sister…”

I looked at Aadam with wide eyes, wondering if he was for real.

No, he didn’t. Why? No.

No!

”NO!” I exclaimed aloud, flinging my hand to my mouth.

Ahmed actually proposed for Rubeena?! My goodness. After everything… he actually went through with it? Ugh.

Ooh, this made my blood boil.

I mean really… what next? Ahmed was really losing it. Or was this before he started all his shenanigans that kind of went out of control? I had a lot of questions that needed answering. And fast.

Aadam was slowly nodding at me as I looked at him in crazy wonder.

”But how?” I breathed, slightly seething. “When was this?! What did she say..?!”

I was still processing the information, as I gaped at him.

”It doesn’t matter,” Aadam shrugged as he looked away. “But maybe you can understand it all better from this point…”

“What do you mean?” I asked, really not expecting his next words.

“Khawlah,” Aadam said obviously. “I was the one who asked for him. Rubeena said no…”

---

Dearest Readers,

Getting into the new year has been good but challenging, Alhumdulillah!

May Allah guide us all through this new start and help us to remember him in everything that we aspire to achieve. Next post will be next week, and then InshaAllah posts should resume as normal until the blog comes to a conclusion. 💕

Much love to all the readers. Always need duaas !

 

A xx

Sunnah Duaas! Let’s try and practice InshaAllah !

Yaa Muqallibal Quloob Thabbit Qalbee ‘alaa Deenik.

“Oh turner of the hearts (Allah, the Most High), keep our hearts firm on your religion“

Sunnah Duaa for drinking water 

اَلْحَمْدُلِلّٰهِ الَّذِىْ سَقَانَا عَذْباً فُرَاتاً بِرَحْمَتِهِ وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْهُ

مِلْحاً اُجَاجاً بِذُنُوْبِنَا

 

All praise is due to Allah, Who of his mercy has granted us sweet and pleasant water to drink and did not make it bitter and salty due to our sins.

Revive the Sunnah Duaa for drinking water. How easy to practice! 

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#revivetheSunnahofeating 

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