Once Again

Bismihi Ta’ala

Khawlah

In a soulful place where the sun and sky meet, whilst nature embraces one glorious heartbeat, there is, within that miracle, a deep message for mankind. With the smile of the horizon, each new  spark of daylight tells a tale.

Its a reminder to us hopeless hearts. A soothing for the surrendered soul. No matter how much the darkness was, no matter how intense, it’s a prompting that there’s a hope for every sinner or broken heart. Not matter how daunting or impossible… the One in control, the One in charge… the Rabb of the universe is going to prove once again- again and again- Who gives the ultimate hope. That no matter how long the night may seem, that according to His command, the sun will certainly show its splendor once again.

And as I grew, in my semi- blissful youth, I learned what is obvious to a child, only through the beauty of creation. Through the time that passed by. Through adventure that consumed my days. I learnt that life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day was best be spent finding beauty in flowers and gardens and talking to animals. That a day spent with sunrises, refreshing breezes and dreams of Jannah cannot be easily bettered. That even after a really dark night, where the shadows of the past haunted me and vicious demons would break my spirit, the glorious sunshine was still, once again in the waiting to reveal its splendor.

But as Allah says in the Glorious Quran, what I didn’t yet know was that sublime Jannah is not attained solely by ones wishful thinking. What I didn’t know then was that there was much work to be done. Much pain to be relieved. Many trials to be overcome. More work than I had encompassed as a little mind to achieve that destiny. And then only, once it is all achieved- will it fall away to reveal a glorious pot of gold at the end of a rainbow that came after a storm.

And that’s what my feelings were, maybe a little prematurely, as I entered the room to see Yunus, Khalid and Khadijah in the sitting room waiting for me. Yes, I had hopes. Maybe more hopes than I should have, because when I saw them, two peas in a pod, with Yunus watching from afar, for a second I couldn’t help but think how natural they looked as they were.

“Khadijah,” I said to her, not entirely steadily as I entered the lounge. “Can you ask Yunus Mama to read for you?”

My daughter was perched on Khalid’s lap, and the two of them were busy reading a storybook about going to Madrassa. It was actually a little cute, also  strangely amusing if my daughter wasn’t being so persistent.

”But he’s my friend,” she insisted, holding her book up to prove it to me. “We’re reading.”

I pursed my lips, not meeting Khalid’s eye as yet. There were still so many things on my mind. So many questions I had yet to ask.

And I wanted to hug Yunus, because being Yunus, he calmly picked my daughter up and the two of them retired to the corner couch as I watched them. I looked at my baby brother and smiled. I was glad he didn’t leave me alone. Being here… with Khalid when there was so much on my mind… I wasn’t sure what I was capable of saying.

And for some reason, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. My mind was running away with me.

There were many things that I didn’t understand. That I couldn’t place. That I was scared to look for the answers to. I wanted to ask him why he didn’t tell me about the house all this time. I clasped my hands together to stop them from trembling, willing then to stop betraying me.

He still wasn’t looking at me, and even as I looked up, there was no chance that I would form audible words.

“I heard what you want to do with the house,” he said kindly. Formally. His voice sounded like I remembered, but his tone was different. It was expected.  “My father thinks it’s amazing.”

I swallowed and looked down, feeling self-conscious. His way of talking, his emotion.., his presence was still the same. Still the same as I always remembered.

I wanted to ask him what he thought.

”I want you to have it,” he said, almost as if he could sense my thoughts.

My head shot up as he said it. But I didn’t want that.

”I don’t want it for free,” I said stubbornly, suddenly finding my own voice.

Yunus looked at me as I said it. Was I being rude?

Why was I such a vicious warrior? It was like I couldn’t stop my heart from rebelling. No matter what I feel… it had to surface with a shield.

“I want a part in it too,” he said, running his hand through his dark beard and placing some papers on the table. He looked slightly uncomfortable.

He was giving it to me? 

”I won’t accept it-“

I couldn’t. Was this what my father wanted me to speak to him about? 

He stopped as I spoke.

“You won’t?”

I sensed a disappointment in his voice.

”I can’t,” I said, my voice a little softer. Less rigid.

”I didn’t want to make this about money,” he said quietly. “It doesn’t matter to me, but I can’t even place a value to it. But Khawlah, what you have in mind for the place is worth so much more. And many people may plan to do good, but not many people truly take that step to attain it. When a slave takes a step towards a good deed according to his capacity then first, there is help from Allah Ta’ala… So even if he is not able to accomplish his deed the reward will definitely be received…“

I swallowed as he said it. I wondered if he knew that it was Aadam’s dream. Hows Aadam had always aspired to achieve such rewards.

My mind had, countless times, tried to imagine the two of them meeting. What they had said. How they had communicated. I could still not fathom it.

”It’s such a beautiful place,” I said, now knowing that he had a great hand in getting it to where it was.

”It is,” he said, and I remembered how he had stopped me from going in before. “I just never expected you to ever enter it. You were always so terrified of it.“

He shifted uncomfortably as he said it. Maybe it was the mention of the past. Of the childhood that seemed to lurk somewhere within us. Of the memories under the trees, in the summers that none of us ever forgot.

“I never thought I’d go in either,” I said, concealing a smile. If he knew Nusaybah he would understand. I was trying every trick in the book not to.

”But you did…”

His voice trailed off as he said it, almost as if he wasn’t sure to continue.

I shrugged and looked away. So this was it. He wanted me to take the house, and make it into what I always dreamt it to be. It was an extraordinary gesture, no one could doubt.

Was it time to thank him and go on? I looked at the papers he had left on the table as he took a step back, gathering them together.

And just when I thought it was time for me to take them and turn away, almost as if on second though, Khalid spoke again.

“But you went in,” he said again, almost as if he was recovering from something. “And I can’t help but think that it was meant for you, in some completely unexpected way to see it… and it’s only when it happened then I began to think that every thing that already happened was all in the plan…. and even me being here right now is what was meant to be… because if only we knew, we can’t even begin to imagine how Allah sets aright our affairs in the most unexpected ways..”

I looked at him, slightly speechless as he said it, wondering how even after all these years, Khalid still sounded the same. Same kind of faith. Same belief in the plan of Allah. Same kind of hope that was so infectious…

“And I know we’re trying to figure out exactly what happened when and how we need to fix it,” he stammered, almost in a rush. “Im sure you have a lot to ask. And I have a lot to say… but we’ve waited this long…”

Oh yes. The questions I had now were consuming me. I wished I could pull myself together and just say it, but I didn’t want to be so candid.

”Waited for what?” I asked, playing it cool. If only I could still my hammering heart.

”I want you to have it because it was always meant for you,” he said, his voice now a little more confident. Hopeful. “One day I had a desire to show it to you… but I wanted it to be done the right way. I always had that intention to make this right, but I never once took the step. Well, not like how I’m supposed to. When my father spoke to me about the offer, it taught me something that I had forgotten…”

My heart thudded in my chest as he said it, and just as the foundation of a fortified building is suddenly compromised, I felt like every wall that I had built around me was just crashing to the ground. Every barrier… every shield I had put up… was all in vain as I remembered that once upon a time, there was once a promise that Khalid had made, and it was all so clear to me.

“We were just a couple of kids,” I said softly, hoping it would justify it. We didn’t know any better.

But no one said the words that were hanging in the air. We were just a couple of kids.

But we really did love one another, didn’t we?

“Maybe I was wrong,” he said softly, regret filling his eyes as he looked at me for the first time. We were. We were wrong. “Maybe I expected too much. Maybe it was the wrong time. But I was hoping that maybe now…”

I looked at him, taking in that familiar face that had brought so much of joy and hope as a young girl and the openness that was on his face as he tried to relay to me exactly what he was feeling. Exactly what we needed to hear.

”And I’ve racked my brains trying to find a way to make this right, and everything only points me to one.”

And he didn’t have to say it. I already knew what he meant. There aren’t many ways to set a wrong right. Sometimes we just have to take it by the ears and dive right in. Sometimes we have to just take the plunge, because sometimes it’s that single dive that can stop you from drowning. Sometimes when you take that one step to rectify something, there are doors of opportunity that open up.

I braced myself for a whirlwind of emotion as he finally met my gaze, and like the rain that would come after a scorching day… the mercy that poured down on us was a relief from what seemed like an eternal drought. And as everything that had seemed to have fallen apart previously had  eventually come together that very day, I couldn’t have ever foreseen how drastically my life had changed in just a matter of hours.

He was right. Khalid would have it no other way. Where was the point in waiting around if we knew that this was what was meant to happen no matter how much we tried run away from it.

And I wasn’t sure what I owed it to but when I looked at that day, thinking back to it with torrents of emotion and the slightest bit of humor at how things had magically turned around, I still could not fathom how easy things had turned out only because we decided to do it the right way. Only because we had taken that courageous step.

And as I narrated the events over the phone that night to my best friend, I couldn’t help but feel my heart lift as a weight that I had been carried seemed to ease. Suddenly, it was like all the pain and heartache and loss of the past was dwindling away, absorbing itself into the backdrop of my life, making way for unexpected sunrises and impending dreams.

“You’re joking,” Nusaybah bellowed into the phone as I held it away from my ear. “This can’t be happening. It couldn’t have happened already! Not now! No, no, no!”

”Nusaybah,” I chided gently.  “Listen to me. Please don’t rush home-“

”Dont rush home?!” She almost screamed. “Don’t rush home?!”

I literally had to place the phone about 15cm away from my ear as she said it. Of course she was inconsolable.

”You can not possibly be serious!” She yelled. “This is the biggest news for my friend in years and you’re telling me not to rush home!”

I could see Khalid looking at me from where he stood, as he and Ahmed stepped into the lounge. They were both waiting for me. I signaled for them to wait as I turned my face to conceal my smile.

Ahmed looked at me questioningly as I turned back to them. They had just come in from the Masjid and I knew that there was still much to sort out but for now – I was completely at ease. For now there was no rush. The important part was done.

”Listen, Nusaybah,” I said softly into the speaker. “Maulana is here so-“

”Oh, so now that he’s your husband he’s be become ‘Maulana’,” Nusaybah hissed into the phone. “Ugh! You just wait till I get there missy. This has to be perfect! You just wait, let me tell Faheem to book the flight now. Faheem. Faheem. Faheem!”

I could hear her shouting as I hastily cut the call and looked up at Ahmed and Khalid sheepishly.

“Tomorrow evening,” I said, knowing that my friend was going to make some plan to get here by then. Somehow, I just had a feeling that she was going to get the better of my cousin. Honestly speaking, not many people had a chance against Nusaybah. There was no one else that I really wanted to be there. A small event with loved ones after the impromptu Nikah was all I would need.

I smiled as I thought about my friend, quite looking forward to her arrival the next day. I knew she would probably be reminding me about how I was running away from something that was bound to happen. And of course, she was right. Maybe I knew it then, but I knew it for sure now. The thing is, you would be surprised as to what is waiting to walk in to your life, once you learn to stop running. Because that’s what humans do, we run. We run from one thing to another. But once you stop, you begin to feel more. You begin to understand, what is meant to be and what is meant to run away.

And like we see in many of the amazing stories of Sahabah, it is achingly true that even though our Rabb may take something away from us during our lifetime, there is always a promise that Allah will never deprive us without recompense. It’s part of who we know our Lord to be. A caring and compassionate Guardian. A loving and merciful Creator who hears our cries. And as my mind wrapped around everything that had occurred, I couldn’t unite believe how Allah had worked my plan in such a way that he replaced every heartbreak with something so much more promising. With Mama’s passing, somehow, it had drawn me closer to Aunty Radiyyah, when Khalid had gone away, Allah had then brought Nusaybah into my life. With Foi Nani‘s leaving this world, It was around the same time when Aadam came into mine, bringing with him a hope and a light that had lasted me so much longer than I had ever imagined. And with Aadam’s fatal sickness, Allah had, in His wisdom, brought the miracle I had found in Khadijah. And yes, it was Allah knew my heart. Only Him. He knew that some day, maybe I might be a little more aspirational. He knew that someday my fortified heart may open up again.

And as Ahmed left the room and I turned to face him, I was pretty much blown away by the events that today had held for us. And yes, there was a certain comfort in the contours of his face. In his gentle smile and steely eyes. There was something about this fierce guy who I had once taken as my best friend, and never quite forgotten. He reached over and touched my hand, hesitantly, amazed that after all these years had somehow, although much had changed… so much had also stayed the same.

The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems like the ties are broken. Some bonds are so strong… that they even defy time, distance and logic. And as I looked up at him, once again, I realized that maybe … some ties are just meant to be.

It doesn’t matter where you’ve gone, and how far you’ve been,  it doesn’t even matter how much you’ve been spun around and hung or left to dry. It’s all about how you come up for air. I could positively say that I had my fair share of grief and that many seasons of my life had not gone as  planned. That somehow, my story didn’t go the way I expected it to be penned… but in the end of it all, with Sabr and Shukar, it is Allah’s promise that there is a sun that’s waiting to rise, after even the darkest of nights.

Indeed, after every hardship there is ease. Ease, ease and more ease.

And like Allah commands the light to to rise even after the blackness, as I looked at him, just for a fleeting moment, a tiny wisp of time that hung in the air like fireflies in summer skies, I wondered if I was in love once again.

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Dearest Readers

My sincerest apologies for my constant delays. I am planning one more post, (of course, with more details on the Nikah!) but as I thought about what to pen, I thought it would be great to hear from you lovely ladies about what exactly you would like to read… Just so I can make sure to tie up all the loose ends and questions that are hanging in the air. I’d also like to say a heartfelt JazakAllah to ever one of you for reading or commenting (or both!) and hopefully taking some lesson that hit home. May Allah accept it as a means of His recognition and so that we may use something mentioned here to gain closeness to Him… me first!

Please do remember this sinful writer in your Duáas

Much Love,

A xx

Tolerance – a beautiful Sunnah 

Allah Taa’ala loves tolerance.
Sayyiduna Abdullah bin Abbas RA narrates that Nabi SAW said to the
leader of the Abdul Qays tribe: “You possess two traits that are
beloved to Allah, tolerance and deliberation (non – impulsive).”
Sahih Muslim Vol 1 Pg 35

How easy to practice …

#revivetheSunnahofHonouringElders

#revivetheSunnahofGiving

#revivetheSunnahofMiswaak 

#revivetheSunnahofAkhlaaq 

#revivetheSunnahofKinship

#revivetheSunnahofhonouringguests

#revivetheSunnahofdrinkingwater 

#revivetheSunnahofeating 

#revivetheSunnahDuaas

#revivetheSunnahDuaa

Twitter: @ajourneyjournal

#revivetheSunnahofhonouringguests

#revivetheSunnahofdrinkingwater 

#revivetheSunnahofeating 

#revivetheSunnahDuaas

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