Not Meant to Be

Bismihi Ta’ala

Part 22

In a world of instant messaging and fibre internet connections… generation Z (as they call those growing up in this era) has become accustomed to everything that’s immediate, so much so, that for us to wait for anything to take its proper course becomes almost unbearable.

These days, it’s all about immediate gratification in the new age that we live in, but even with the world at our literal fingertips, time and time again… our Merciful Lord nudges us to bring forth for us a profound lesson that no matter how much we try to cheat the system, force something, or steer destiny, we’re never in charge. Allah’s lessons come at a time to remind us of just how little we are, and how Great He really is.

And as with Duniya, it seems to be true of people too… the more you chase, the more it evades us. Sometimes you have to just let things be, to let things take it’s course, as tiresome or painful as it may be. And its something that we cant avoid because that’s when Qadr comes in. What’s meant to be. What’s not meant to be. It’s generally the sublime knowledge and acceptance that whatever has occurred has simply happened the way it had because it was in your Taqdeer. Although it may mean that maybe that contract wasn’t meant for you, or that job opportunity evaded you… it means that whatever loss, hurt or even pain occurs… it just so happened that way because it was in your Taqdeer. It was Qadr.

Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibnul ‘As says, I heard Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) say:

“Allah has ordained [the destiny] of the creation fifty thousand years before he created the skies and the earth”

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 2653)

You see, the concept of Taqdeer is an amazing process that takes its own course. And yes, it’s natural to have complicated thoughts when trying to understand it. Even knowing what we do, sometimes we wonder how and why and even what if…

And at times, the thoughts can get overwhelming. Why things happen the way they do. Sometimes we get carried away with our own visions and aims in life, that when something throws us off base, we don’t quite know how to deal with it.

And we all needed ways to deal with what life throws us at times.  Something to alleviate the mountains that we carry, especially when we were feeling mentally crowded and needing to unburden.

And as the water engulfed my entire body, and I felt myself truly release… in that alternative, liquid world, it was here that I often found freedom of my mind, letting go of all the worries of the world, as the definitive silence presented to me the golden opportunity that I had been aching for to let my mind drown in its own thoughts.

Open water swimming had always been my thing, my go-to, my refuge.

I had forgotten the feeling. Swimming at night had been my subordinate option at one time in my life, during the second and third year of studies, when I needed break from the constant battering of modules that I wasn’t sure I’d make the cut for.

And it wasn’t the real deal because I missed that open feeling like a hole in my gut. Mountains in the distance. Diving into the sunrise, or breaking into the jaw-dropping sunsets. No visible limits to where the oceans ended. Seagulls flying above, sometimes joining me for a dip before getting on with their daily duties…

It was where I found my base, got my focus, explored my true ambition.

I felt almost like it was wrapping me in a protective layer of comfort and security… my mind was somewhat appeased, once again.

Maybe it was the silence. Maybe it was  the coldness surrounded me, engulfing my senses, making me forget the worries of the day until they reached a state of numbness, almost as if the water was washing it away.

I almost forgot about the past work week. About the stressful and urgent audits and recons that my brain had become accustomed to dealing with at the last minute, about the the things I wanted to forget when there was drama a few months before that I had to deal with Faadil… and now the revelation that very week that had brought it all back for me.

I wasn’t quite sure how I became a center of this issue but there I was, trying to forget what I had overheard Lesley saying to Mickey in a fit of mistaken rage about Faadil, just like the girl I had dated a few months back for a brief period had confirmed too.

Turned out that Faadil was bordering strongly on sexual harassment in the workplace, and whether the girls were consenting to it or not initially… I knew that he was now taking it to another level. If I knew two of the girls, there were probably more. As much as I didn’t want to involve myself in these type of things I knew it was only a matter of time that someone had to expose him. I just didn’t want to be the person to do it.

And then of course, to top off the stress, tonight was the emergency with Mohsina’s father and my heart was literally in my throat as I prayed with all my night that he’d make it through. I wasn’t sure whether I should go or not, whether it was appropriate or not… but it had come to a point where I cared about Mohsina’s family too, even if she didn’t know or appreciate it.

I was still wondering if I did the right thing, if I reacted too harshly, whether I should take a stand at work tomorrow or whether I needed to just switch myself off… but as the lights from above the surface penetrated through, and my head broke through to the surface, my sister’s annoyed voice was a sure reality check that pulled me right out of my innermost thoughts.

“Your phones been ringing off the hook for the past seven minutes!” She almost shouted in exasperation, holding it in the air while I wiped my face with one hand and made my way to the steps. I dried my hands on the towel next to the pool rail and grabbed it, looking at the list of missed calls.

Liyaket (4)

M Husayn (2)

An unknown number had tried another 3 times.

I supposed that one of the downfalls of hiding underwater from the world was that you couldn’t hear a thing that was happening beyond it. As comforting as it was, it didn’t mesh well with emergencies.

Rabia was looking at me quizzically as I towel dried my dripping body and dialled Liyaket back. It was late. My twin sister was in pyjamas and looking like I had disturbed her peace but I wasn’t really bothered about that. My sister disturbed my peace way too often for my liking. All these missed calls were a little bit concerning.

“Hey,” I said, as he picked up the phone. “You called?”

”Where you?” He asked, sounding a little panicked. “You know where’s Mohsina?”

”Err, no,” I said obviously, still breathing a little heavily from the underwater dives. “Hospital last. Why?”

”No one can get hold of her,” he replied. “Phones off. Last she was at there and then just disappeared.”

Maybe she had decided to take a break from the drama?

”Any other reason to panic?” I asked. This was sounding fishy but there were other possibilities besides assuming the worst. I was a pretty calm guy and didn’t usually jump to conclusions.

“I don’t know,” he concluded. “It’s been an hour. You should be worried. I don’t even know why you guys are taking so long to make this thing final. Then we wouldn’t have all these problems .”

I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling a tinge of regret at the way I behaved earlier. Liyaket was right. But as much as I wanted to bring the Nikah forward, Mohsina’s father didn’t seem to be as keen. Earlier on had been a test, because it was my sister who had told me about her father… and she had seen it on Instagram. It was just… unexpected.

I was upset. No doubt. But it wasn’t a game changer. I also understood that my future wife was dealing with a situation that was beyond her control and made a mistake.

Now, to make amends, I was trying her brother, only to get voicemail. They had done a full search of the hospital now and all they had found was her card holder that might have fallen out her bag.

And I was starting to get worried. I mean, of course I cared about her. Despite what had happened in earlier, despite my mood, despite her mistakes, despite everything, she was someone I cared about. A lot.

Water was still dripping from my hair as I irritatedly wiped it, pulling my t-shirt over me as the cold evening air hit my chest with a vengeance. It was November but the chill was strangely very palpable. I quickly put on my shoes, knowing that I had to see what I could do. Dialling Mohsina’s number, it went straight to voicemail. We knew that we needed to call someone to help track it, because that was our only bet.

Rabia was watching me pacing with a strangely worried look on her face. She was looking a bit too concerned although it wasn’t a secret that the two of them didn’t seem to hit it off.

”You sure it’s not a false alarm?” She asked, and I immediately realised why she was asking. She didn’t like all the attention I was giving this.

“I don’t know,” I shot back. “Why don’t you check her Instagram?”

It was a dig at my sister as well as Mohsina, but I couldn’t control my annoyance. It did seem like my sister had it in for her but that was the least of my concerns.

I had literally just grabbed my keys to head out when a call came from hey future brother-in-law, saying she had just arrived and looked a little out of sorts but she was adamant that she was okay and there was no need to worry.

And of course there was no need to panic. I felt a little stupid for being paranoid, but with the crime rates I did expect something to have happened and it turned out that she had gone to get something to eat down the road and been pick-pocketed. It didn’t sound highly traumatic. There was an accident on the way back and that’s what caused her delay. That was all the information I had gotten between them and Liyaket, and to be honest, I was just glad that she was okay. I didn’t think anything more. I didn’t think it was a good time to go over there right then. Her house was a good 20 minutes away, even without the peak-hour Jo’burg traffic.

And so I left it at that. It was completely uncharacteristic of her to miss work usually but given the situation, I kind of expected it when she didn’t pitch up on Friday.

And because I was feeling bad about being hard on her at the hospital, and now the stolen phone incident, the next day I hastily dialed the usual florist I use to deliver some roses and a card. I knew it would be good to check with  them if they needed anything. I called her father and I was glad that he did seem to be feeling much better the following day. I was glad that things were settling down.

And as life goes, I also knew that things were not always easy. Even though I didn’t always act like it, I liked to think that I was a mature guy. I knew that as a couple, we would have our differences, even in the future. I also knew that as much as she seemed to be independent and tough, there was a vulnerability about Mohsina that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was something that I had glimpsed in a place far away from the rat-race of our workplace, out in the openness, somehow connecting us in a way we never had presumed possible. It was something that changed the way we saw each other, but also made us take a step that we never thought we would.

But that was that, and I had repented. That was it. There was no going back there. I knew that I was wrong now. I mean, there was only so much of sin you could make before you realized how it was breaking you. But chemistry was often what made us step into the red zone.

I mean, even in Islam, you’re allowed to be attracted to someone. The inclinations itself is not haram, it’s the sin that usually comes with it and that we had both fought hard to stay away from for the past few weeks. For a brief moment, I saw a part of Mohsina that was always what I had wanted. She was gorgeous, quirky and funny, and most of all… for those moments I had spent with her, she was present. It was pure and unfiltered, and that was the part of her that I was going to capture again… because once we were married, there would be no boundaries.
That was when we didn’t have to hold back… and when the real adventure would begin.

And as mankind was made, one couldn’t control the heart. It was restless with trepidation… awaiting the big event in my life, yearning for companionship but also apprehensive about the responsibility this would bring.

Staying away wasn’t easy but focusing on my own journey helped. From the baseless and tormented soul that was fluttering around, trying to find my base and some kind  of hope for myself during these past few years… I wasn’t going to be so hard on her. I knew I also needed to be patient. There were a few deal-breakers but for now what I did know was that we were now in tune with what we wanted in life and that had reached a place where neither of us would ever do anything to intentionally hurt the other… or so I had thought.

It was after the weekend of tremendous waleemah planning and who-should-be-on-the-invite-list brainstorming that I was trying to escape that I finally checked into the office on Monday, determined to get my thoughts off the wedding for the week. It had been the first wedding in a few years and my family was going a little overboard. My head was filled with their mundane details that I didn’t care about, but with the wedding planning, came me thinking about my future wife way too much than was acceptable.

And I went in early on purpose, hoping to get into my office and get in a smoke break before Mohsina got to work that morning. As per routine, Faadil summoned me to his office for the usual passing of his allocated work to me that happened every week.

He looked at me as I walked in, eyeing me out in his Armani suit and matching tie, looking like he was ready for a killer week already. I watched him, expressionless, as he flipped though his MacBook, unable to shake the irate feeling I got when I watched him with his steely eyes and unapproachable demeanour. He knew that I knew things I shouldn’t. He just didn’t know how much.

“You sure you don’t want that position?” He asked breezily as he glanced over to me, as if it was all cool between us. “You’re the most  scrupulous auditor here, you do know that?”

It was the closest to a compliment I had ever got from him and I wondered what brought it on. But no. The buttering up wasn’t going to convince me to be driven into accepting a position at Hammond’s. I was done.

“Nah,” I said indifferently. “I’m all good.”

And after turning down the external auditor offer he had tried to force on me twice last week, I could see that he was trying to drown me in work. What I did know was that if he pushed me too hard, I had enough blackmail on him that I could expose and I wasn’t scared to do it.

Besides the womanizing that I had caught him in the act doing more than a few times, Faadil was good at his job in a way that he kept his team way too busy to be worried about anything else besides work, and that was exactly what I needed that week.

And when I finally saw Mohsina at work after her weekend, I didn’t notice anything majorly different. She still seemed pretty together, and I had even seen her laughing with Lesley as I passed by and greeted them from far. She didn’t even seem to be bothered about last weeks ordeal in any way, and I was glad she was finally feeling well enough to be at work.

And so there I was, even though Faadil annoyed the crap out of me, and his womanising ways were quite disgusting, I put up with him because I needed a good referral. I was intent on doing my best and getting out, so I knew that even though I had left Hammond’s behind me, I had kicked it’s butt before I did.

Everything seemed to be going well. Despite the small hiccups, despite the fact that work was becoming a little overbearing, I loved what I did and I didn’t hide it.

It was one of those mornings when things seemed to be fitting perfectly in place, like an old puzzle, when a bulk e-mail from Faadil popped up in my inbox. I didn’t open it straight away because I was busy with a last minute SARS reconciliation that someone hadn’t completed but before I knew it, I could hear the office almost sparking now with conversation. It sounded like an exciting chatter, and as I looked around me, I realised that maybe that mail was a little more important and as I clicked on it, my eyes scanning the contents, my heart dropped fifty feet below my desk, as I digested what it meant.

At first, I thought there was a mistake. I mean, no-one was so self-absorbed to not even understand the basics of the journey we were about to take together. To not even consult about something so majorly important. Could it have been possible that she had not even realised the implications of this?

Last we discussed, Mohsina was thinking of taking a year off to explore working from home opportunities and it suited me fine. This, though. This was the worst thing that could happen and I didn’t even know how to digest it.

I glanced at the announcement again, now processing what it said…

We would like to announce a brand new Senior External Auditor. Mohsina has been with us for over a year now and we are thrilled to have her with us, permanently now, starting a new journey…

I pushed my chair backwards, feeling dizzy as I got up, my entire world feeling like it was crashing down.

Maybe there were signs before this but at that moment me it was as clear as day.

This was the last straw. I knew exactly what had to happen now.

Whether it was fate or destiny, I wasn’t sure… but some things were just not worth fighting for…

Was so good hearing from everyone… I know its a cliff hanger but we’re getting to it soon…🤍

One of the dear sisters suggested Wazifahs for kidnapping etc. I know of a foolproof Duaa that is always so effective when finding anything that’s lost or stolen. With Yaqeen, Insha Allah, it will be returned.

If anyone else knows any Wazifahs or amals, please do comment below. It will be much appreciated and I’ll create a separate page for it Insha Allah.

Much Love,

A xx

Duaa for lost item and persons 

اللهُمَّ رَادَّ الضَّالَّةِ، وَهَادِيَ الضَّلَالَةِ تَهْدِي مِنَ الضَّلَالَةِ، ارْدُدْ عَلَيَّ ضَالَّتِي بِقُدْرَتِكِ وَسُلْطَانِكَ، فَإِنَّهَا مِنْ عَطَائِكَ وَفَضْلِكَ

Allahumma raddad dallati wa hadiyad dalalati tahdi minad dalalati urdud ‘alayya dallati bi qudratika wa sultanika fa innaha min ‘ata-ika wa fadlik.


Sunnah of Making Salaam

It’s common nowadays that even when seeing other Muslims out and about, people are hesitant to greet. Let’s try and bring back this beautiful Sunnah and reignite the love ❤️

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

٤ جمادى الأولى

Hazrat أنس رضى الله تعالى عنه narrates that he passed by some children, so he greeted them (made Salaam) and he said: رسول الله صلى الله تعالى عليه وسلم used to do so (greet children).

(Bukhaaree Shareef/Muslim Shareef)

Greeting children inculcates humility, and at the same time, teach children the importance of offering Salaam.
It creates love and affection in hearts.
If there is fear of lust, by greeting a pretty girl or handsome lad, then one should refrain.








FB/Instagram: @thejourneyingmuslimah

13 thoughts on “Not Meant to Be

  1. Allah Paak!!! Hope they can come to some understanding. They need to have an honest chat. Shame it is hard for her with the financial situation but her hiding things from hamza won’t help. If she let’s him know her situation through her brother or a straightforward letter, therll be more trust from his side and therll be goodness in mashwara. It’s doesn’t work for women to be so independent. Allah Ta’ala made men the protecters for women. Plz dont leave us for too long

    Liked by 5 people

      • Shukran sister… ❤️
        unfortunately this is the way with many of us who are a little independent, we find it hard to ask or even say especially when it’s financial…And sometimes men aren’t easy to approach. 🙈
        But you are right, hiding won’t help at all… I think this lesson is a hard one to digest. .. but we’ll see how this plays out 💔

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Amazing post!
    One of the most effective duaas to find a lost item is reading Surah Duhaa.
    Quraan is a remedy in itself and I have found that this surah is a wonder in itself.
    Has helped me each and every time that I misplaced something ..subhanallah.
    Before I even get to complete the surah,the item is found

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Maybe..but her father probably is in debt and as the oldest daughter she feels she has to take responsibility….its also one of the reasons her dad had a heart attack…

    Liked by 4 people

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