Before the Blackness: Zaynah

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

There is a beautiful, yet fascinating formula that governs this world, and it is really quite simple.

Unfortunately, as Insaan, our hearts always incline to the opposite of it.

وَخُلِقَ الإِنسَانُ ضَعِيفًا

“…and man is created weak.” (Surah Nisaa verse 28)

Since Allah has said that He has created us weak… And He has created us hasty… Our desires often prompt us to settle for the easiest.

We prefer the immediate over what awaits, the physical over the spiritual, and the obvious over the concealed. We run first to what we can see and feel and touch. We run first to what we assume is closer. We are needy and dependant, and crave ease and fast success.

And so, of course, we turn towards the Creation. We feel like only Duniyaa can fulfil our needs of this Duniyaa. We turn towards people because that hole etched somewhere in our heart is simply not getting filled with whatever material wealth we have filled our lives with.

We don’t realise, that sometimes, in the process of chasing this world, we chase what is basically worthless. We don’t realise that by gaining what’s temporary, in the long run, we are hurting ourselves and whoever is around us.

Not everyone gets it, and not everyone completely believes it, but when you do, it’s quite amazing. Basically, the entire world is at your feet.

And when you don’t, and you forget your purpose here and you forget what this journey is about…. Somehow, most of the time, you just end up messing up.

“He messed up,” I said bluntly, not yet reading the true motivation behind Aasiya’s question. “Of course his mother will feed him. He’s moping around for weeks now. She’s feeling sorry for him.”

She had finally phoned, almost a month after she had left, and I really was glad that I could finally hear her voice. I dug my hand into the packet of jelly babies, grabbing an orange one to pop into my mouth. I noted the silence on the other end.

“Aasiya,” I said, as clear as I could say it with a full mouth.

“Are you feeling sorry for him?” she asked icily, and I immediately knew that I had made a wrong move. She thought I had already chosen a side, and it wasn’t hers.

“Of course not,” I said meekly, swallowing the sweet saliva in my mouth. “I just feel that he’s already suffered and needs to -”

“Good!” Aasiya said. “I’m glad that he is suffering. And I’m glad that Waseem at least has the sense to treat him like he actually did something wrong. Not pamper him like he’s a victim.”

I nodded, biting my lip. Of course he should suffer. Obviously I could never overlook something like that myself, when I knew that I couldn’t even stand the thought of my husband being with someone before marriage.

I just really believed that since no-one in this era would pelt him to death, as was the penalty for what he did, his only other hope was to turn to Allah. We needed to be reminded of His mercy all the time.

“I’ve only told my brother and his wife,” she said, talking a bit softer. “Umar was quite worked up about it, but I told him to leave the confrontation for a while. Let him suffer in anxiety. I know he’ll be dreading facing the ‘Molvi’. I’m not going to tell my parents here… Although I’m sure that woman must have told the whole of Pretoria.”

That woman. I quite despised what she did.

How could any woman be so conniving and lack conscience in that way? It was just unthinkable, yet so common.

“I heard that it wasn’t serious,” I said carefully, hoping that it would be a comfort. When I heard that from Waseem, I actually had some hope for reconciliation for them, but I wasn’t sure if Aasiya would feel the same.

“I don’t care,” she snapped. “He still deserves to be punished badly. It’s not about what happened between them. It’s the principle. He betrayed my trust. He committed a sin and a crime.”

I sighed, knowing that she had a point and I wouldn’t win. He hurt her, but more so, he hurt himself by sinning. It was something that she, and no-one else could overlook.

I didn’t want to mention to her that my father-in-law had been ignoring Muhammed completely from the day he heard that Aasiya had left, although I knew that it would probably make her ecstatic. Waseem and my father-in-law were alike in more ways than he would ever admit. I could see that they both were taking it really badly… Even after all this time. It was quite amusing that Waseem still addressed his brother by his second name, and you could see that their relationship was strained.

“Anyway, how is everything back home?” I asked curiously, wanting to know about Aasiya’s long lost family before I had to cut the call.

I could feel the beginnings of a headache, once again. It usually started from the back of my head and then viciously made it’s way to the forehead. I knew I would have to cut the call soon, because even simple speech became difficult when it reached it’s climax.

“It’s so much of fun here,” she was saying, her voice already sounding different. Lighter. Less burdened. The less urban areas were definitely better for the mindset. I felt nostalgic thinkinging about my family there.

“My other brother and his wife stay here, so it’s always busy with their kids around. They’re such a laugh. You should come visit some time.”

I smiled to myself, feeling the headache getting worse. Luckily, it was just then that the room door opened, and Waseem walked in with his one hand behind his back.

I looked at him questioningly, and promptly ended the call, promising to call her back at another time.

Later. When I felt a bit better.

“Hey sweets,” Waseem said, leaning down to peck me on the forehead as I reclined on the couch.

He smiled his usual amazing smile, and stood up again, waiting for me to ask him what he was hiding behind his back. He loved playing silly games.

I rubbed my temples and smiled back at him as best I could, trying to see behind his back to get a glimpse. The master of suspense kept on changing positions. He then chuckled and  finally relented, revealing the hugest bunch of red roses I have ever seen.

I loved roses. Really. They were beautiful and smelt gorgeous, and they just said something about a person when they gave them to you.

But what was more special was the pack of Jelly Soccer Jerseys attached to the bunch of roses. It was priceless and so original.

“Awwww,” I said, forgetting about my headache for just a few moments.  “Was, I love them.”

I looked up at him, noting his chuffed smile.

“Which part?! I ordered them especially,” he said proudly. “Just because.”

Why was he so sweet?!

He always did these spontaneous and amazing things when I least expected it. I would never think about doing anything unpredictable for him, and I felt slightly guilty. The thing was, he didn’t need an ‘occasion’ approved by the west to make it special. He just did it as he wanted, and I loved that.

I grinned and got up slightly shakily, taking them to put them in a vase at the front of the room. I would cut their stems and set them nicely later.

Later. When I felt a little better.

“You okay?” He asked, his icy eyes scrutinising me relentlessly.

I nodded, forcing myself to smile broadly at him. I knew that he was worried, and so was I.

I lay back on the bed, grabbing a Tasbeeh so I could catch up on my daily Dhikr. I had been feeling so tired lately that most days I went back to sleep without completing my morning routine. It was really out of character for me.

Though I had initially refused, I was now thinking of taking up Waseem’s offer to drop me at Abbi’s brother’s house this weekend. At least I would see Nabeela there and maybe even Zakiyya and the baby if I asked her to come. That would definitely be a bonus.

“I think I might need a small holiday, away from dramas,” I said lightly with a smile, trying to make it seem like no big deal.

Waseem looked surprised, and frowned even deeper. He probably didn’t expect that to come from me.

“Except Nabeela will be there,” I said, trying to kill the tension by joking. “And I’m sure she’ll create some drama for us!”

I also hoped that she would keep some of her stash for me. I better call her in advance to let her know, else we’ll have to rely on Raees to get it for us. I really didn’t want to ask him for anything, because he always made us pay him back in ridiculous ways.

Waseem smiled, although I could see that his heart wasn’t in it. He moved forward to sit next to me.

“I agree,” he said softly, fiddling with his beard, and then clasping his hands together. “I just hope that we’ll survive without you. You just sort everything out.”

“Of course you’ll will,” I insisted, shaking my head at him. “Just don’t get up to any mischief while I’m not around.”

He frowned.

“No ways,” he said seriously. “I’m not like that.  How can you even say that?”

I could see him getting slightly emotional and I knew it was because of the whole Mo story. I was about to tell him that I didn’t mean it that way, but he was already beginning the roll.

“I don’t think you know just how much I dislike Zaheer right now,” he said heatedly. “I was speaking to Molvi Umar, and he is quite upset with him. We can’t be pampering him like he’s a baby. He’s a man who knows exactly what he was up to. I just hope that I’m always saved from that. Allah Ta’ala must never make me so weak.”

I shook my head at him.

“I didn’t mean that,” I said quietly. “I know you.”

He shook his head, and I could see him still deep in thought.

“I have weak moments,” he said, reaching for my hand. “But with you by my side, I know I’ll always be in check.”

I squeezed his hand back, and pulled it away.

“No,” I said firmly.

He looked up, slightly worried.

I didn’t like to worry him, but something was telling me that he needed to know that he couldn’t always rely on me.

“It’s not about me,” I continued, feeling the intensity of the headache rise up again. “You need to know… With Allah Ta’ala on your mind… You’ll always be in check.”

He chuckled as relief flooded his face, finally getting up with a sheepish smile.

That was the secret… The formula that governs the world. For even happiness itself, the more you run after it, the more it evades you.

But instead, if you run to your Rabb instead, happiness will run after you. If you run to Allah, the love of people will run after you. If you turn to the Almighty instead, success will run after you.

True success in this life, and the next. If you run to God instead, provision will run after you. This, is the secret that people have never got. The mystery for which tyrants have evaded cities, and leaders have turned the entire world for—but to never find.
This is the secret.

In a profound hadith of our Nabi (SAW). a man came to the Rasullullah (SAW) and said: “O Messenger of God, direct me to an act, which if I do, God will love me and people will love me.” He said: “Detach yourself from the world, and God will love you. Detach yourself from what is with the people, and the people will love you.” [Ibn Majah]

That was definitely the secret.

“You always put me right,” he said, shaking his  head. “I’m gonna miss you, babe.”

I smiled back weakly, closing my eyes.

I didn’t even know that it was the last even remotely romantic thing I would actually hear from my beloved husband before everything changed that day. I didn’t realise that I might never have the opportunity to see him so amused and at ease, as he was that Saturday morning. I never did realise that the ‘later’ I was waiting for, will probably never come for me that day.

I just lay there, not knowing how tired I was, because falling asleep was almost instant.  I woke up to a gentle shake in what felt like just a few minutes, feeling only slightly renewed after the nap I mistakenly had.

I glimpsed two suitcases already near the bed, and I could only assume that Waseem was trying to pack my bag. I wanted to laugh at him and hug him at the same time, but I was already starting to panic. It was already Zohr time, and  Waseem looked like he had just gotten back from Masjid.

I jumped up, getting worked up about sleeping in broad daylight. I still had too many things to do, like pray my Salaah, and amidst it all I could hear Waseem asking me about which type of face-wash to pack, while he spoke about taking me later that day.

“Okay,” I said meekly, trying to answer his questions by pointing at the right stuff. “I’ll be back now.”

I raced down the passage after making Wudhu, because I knew that time was limited. I also knew that I wanted to finish preparing the pasta dish that Waseem enjoyed so he could have it while I was away. I felt bad to leave everything to my mother-in-law, even though I really didn’t have to. I just had this silly notion that these people needed me around. Why did we always think that the whole world won’t function without us?

I reached the top of the staircase, not even looking down.

Now, Since I had climbed down the spiral staircase dozens of times before, I didn’t have to even look. It was just that, when it came to stairs, it just took one off-step, and all hell could break loose.

And maybe I was still tired, or maybe I wasn’t even fully awake yet. Maybe I just wasn’t thinking straight, but as I felt myself miss that vital step, and my body lurched forward, I just knew at that moment that this whole thing would end in disaster.

It was like I was literally air-gliding for a few moments, and as the slightly high-pitched scream escaped my mouth and I hit the bottom, I immediately felt the impact of the steel-edged stair on the back of my head. I was in slow agony, even as I slid a few steps down, struggling to grab onto the evasive rails.

It really was like I was watching myself in slow motion. The world around me was spinning slightly as I tried to process the whole thing, and my heart thudded in my chest as my legs completely caved.

Eventually, when it felt like it would never end, I finally felt myself lying still at the bottom of the stairs. I could hear someone calling my name, and a voice gasping in shock, but I had no idea what had happened.

And then, as if my body just needed to escape the entire confusion, my eyes involuntarily closed, and I was just surrounded by black.

Maaf for delay in posting. Crazy days.

Please don’t forget our Super Sunnahs!

Beautiful Sunnah 👐🏻 Wash both hands up to the wrist before eating.

عن سلمان رضي الله عنه قال : قرأت في التوراة أن بركة الطعام الوضوء بعده فذكرت ذلك للنبي صلى الله عليه سولم فأخبرته بما قرأت في التوراة فقال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم بركة الطعام الوضوء قبله والوضوء بعده (ترمذي رقم 1846)

Hadhrat Salmaan Farsi (Radhiallahu Anhu) narrates: “I read in the Taurah that the blessings of food lie in washing the hands after meals. I mentioned this to Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam). Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) replied: “The blessings of food lies in washing the hands before eating and after eating.” عن ابن عباس رضي الله عنهما عن النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم قال: الوضوء قبل الطعام وبعده مما ينفي الفقر وهو من سنن المرسلين (مجمع الزوائد رقم 7913) [1]

Hadhrat Abdullah ibn Abbaas (Radhiallahu Anhu) reports that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “Washing the hands before and after meals repels poverty, and it is from the sunnah of all the Ambiyaa. A pious man narrated that he once had a debt of three hundred Rupees, and due to straitened circumstances, he could not imagine how he could ever be relieved of this burden. Sitting one day in the discourse of an Aalim, he heard him say that whoever washes his hands before and after eating, in view of it being a sunnah of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam), will Insha Allah be relieved of his debts in a short span of time. The pious man adopted the above procedure, and through the grace of Allah Ta’ala, he was absolved of all his debts in a few days time.  (The Sublime Conduct of Nabi (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) vol.1)

We will be doing more eating and drinking Sunnahs Insha Allah.



#Revive theSunnahofSpeakingGood




Tweet: @ajourneyjournal

12 thoughts on “Before the Blackness: Zaynah

  1. Ssiiissstteeerrr u CANNOT leave us like this for too looonnggg plzzz post soooon:)

    Oh n jis to remined u killing a person is a major sin sooo if u kill my zaynah jis knw whats goin to happen loll
    Plllzz dnt let her pass away!!!!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s