Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Growing up, I believe that everyone has that fantasy of what their life would be like. You wonder and you dream, as you lay in bed at night. You close your eyes and you surrender complete and utter faith.
And then of course, life takes over, and it’s like one day you realize the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed of. The castle… Well, it may not be a castle. The white horses may be slightly trashier versions of mobility. And it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after, just that it’s happy right then.
And of course I was happy, but having doubts and reservations came with the territory of being me. Although I seldom showed it, I worried about a lot. I worried if Mo could ever step up to be the father and husband I needed him to be. I worried about how we would all pull through this trying time, when there seemed to be so much going on. I worried about how far we would be tested in this Duniyaa, in order for us to earn something for the life thereafter. And yes, though I was immensely grateful, my mind kept revisiting the place where I truly wondered if it was all going to be okay. If everything would all work out, or if all of this really was for the best. In our ignorant mindsets, we sometimes can’t help but let the thoughts of negativity and Shaytaan creep in. I mean, for me, with my weak faith, it was only normal.
Bad things happen… But good things happen too, both as a test of our faith. Sick or healthy… Rich or poor… Distressed or at peace… Both extremes are under the examination of Allah. When good is bestowed, Allah wants to see whether he thanks Allah and uses his bounty for good. An unfortunate one is also under the trial of Allah, where He wants to check him and see if he will be patient or not, and whether he is satisfied with the decision of Allah or not. Both will be rewarded with their disposition of circumstances… Under that test.
Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned.
And of course, before we reach our final destination, it was all the test of life that we struggled and grew with. We come to realise that only hope can triumph. That only unyielding belief can come through. It’s only then when you realise the true nature of your trust in Allah, and only then when you truly learn to surrender every single bit of your affairs to Him.
And somehow, when you do that, and trust in Him alone, your Lord will come through for you in ways you have never imagined. He will guide you to way beyond where you are at complete peace with His will, whatever that may be. You just have to take the plunge, and leave it all to Him, to learn what true faith is.
As the days passed by after my big revelation at the doctor’s office, I found myself compelled to make some major decisions and do some serious prioritising. I knew that the best chances were only going to be found if I faced it all head on, with no reservations. After all, I had a huge responsibility awaiting me. I just wished that there was someone I could really speak to, just to get it off my chest.
I missed Zaynah.
“Don’t you miss her?”
I looked up to see my mother in law studying my face expectantly. She had been talking all this while, and I was too zoned out in my world of unlimited worries to process what she was saying.
“The house feels so… Empty.”
I nodded as a tiny spark of something unfamiliar fluttered within my heart. I didn’t realise that someone could mean so much in such a short time. I was slightly envious of the fact that my relationship with my in laws had never come close.
I nodded, completely understanding what my mother-in law was saying. I had come to see Mo’s mother purely out of boredom. I just never expected myself to actually enjoy her company.
She didn’t pry into my life or marriage, which was something I really appreciated. Any friend that I met in a mall would always press buttons that got me all emotional, and I just didn’t feel like dealing with my emotions right now.
“Muhammed Zaheer… And now Ziyaad…”
She trailed off, but I knew exactly what she meant. We were all a tiny bit messed up.
Ziyaad was moping around the house in a bit of a disoriented state, almost as if he had no idea what he wanted to do with himself. I had an idea that he wanted to work things out, but Farah wasn’t so keen. I supposed that life was looking different to her now that there was no baby or husband to hold her back. As for Ziyaad, his seriousness about life surprised me. The festive season was now closing in, and I could see the difference from his last year’s activities to this year’s. My baby brother in law really had grown up.
As for Waseem, he was an entirely different person altogether. From the obvious womaniser that I would complain about to Mo, I could barely believe that one person had affected his life in such a way that he changed it entirely. And though he went to hospital every day, in the hope that his wife would remember him, I could tell that he was slowly accepting that he might have to start all over again, if Zaynah would just give him a chance. I hadn’t been to see her as yet, because of the obvious fact that I would probably get no response from her. I knew it was cowardly but the thought just scared me.
The time for her to leave the hospital and go home was now coming, and I had a feeling that Waseem was probably going to feel that the worst. I just hoped that she would somehow remember and things could to back to normal.
I sighed, getting off the stool I was sitting at, while my mother-in-law busied herself with placing serviettes on the table. It was time for me to go back to my lonely hotel room, and I honestly wondered how much longer I could do this for. Just aimlessly wait for the next thing to happen, whilst doubts about everything plagued my mind. Maybe I should just go back home.
The deep voice cut through my thoughts, and I spun around in a half-panic to see Muhammed standing in front of me.
My heart skipped a few beats as I saw him, partly because of the shock, and partly for reasons I couldn’t explain.
I held my hand to my chest, gaping at him slightly. Where on earth did he come from?
“Muhammed Zaheer,” my mother-in-law said, at first surprised, and then shifting uncomfortably as she looked from him to me. I wondered what she expected.
“‘Salaam Ma,” he said, going over to her and leaning down slightly to peck her on the forehead, with a small grin plastered on his face. He had probably come in quietly while we were talking. Mo had a habit of doing things in a sneaky way. It was typical of him.
I folded my arms cynically and looked at him as he turned to me, still with a tiny smile still on his face.
The fact that I didn’t immediately leave perhaps made her hopeful, and my mother-in-law mumbled something softly and left the room. The next few moments were just a bit awkward as we stood there, just awkwardly watching each other.
“I didn’t know you would be here,” he finally said, running his hands through his new beard.
He looked different. His beard seemed to have grown into a full one over-night, and though I wouldn’t admit it, I was actually quite impressed by the visible change. He was even wearing a kurtah, and that was something that Mo usually only wore on Eid mornings.
“Me neither,” I said, replying blandly to his comment.
I was hesitatnt about saying more, because I didn’t want to make it too easy for him. After all, I was still partly upset about the whole infidelity issue. I also knew that it couldn’t carry on like this, with us both tiptoeing around each other and our feelings.
Mo visibly sighed as he sat down on a stool, watching me carefully. I kept my head high, wondering when would be a good time to tell him. I knew that he had a right to know about his child, but his reaction to it is what made me think twice. It might get emotions swaying all over again.
“Aasiya,” he started, looking like he was preparing for a long speech. I looked at him, waiting for him to continue. I’d let him talk first.
“I know talk is cheap,” he said, looking at me straight in the eye. “But these past few weeks have been the worst of my life. I wanted to just drown all my sorrows in the stupid things I always used to do, but every time I would set foot in the casino, or be invited to a guy’s night out, I would remember your words.”
I looked at him, frowning slightly.
“I wanted you to be happier with me,” he said, biting his lip slightly nervously. It was the first time I had seen him like this. “And at first I was doing the whole Mosque and holy beard thing for you… Hoping you would hear about me and how I had changed.”
I pursed my lips, and raised my eyebrows slightly.
I did hear. I had heard lots of people speaking about Mo’s change, but I never took it to heart, because I knew him better than most people. He had a way of fooling people, even when he wasn’t serious. That was how he had earned his reputation, and I knew all too well about it.
“But then,” he continued, shaking his head unbelievably. “Something happened. I attended some talks that they had at the mosque , and I couldn’t believe how it affected me. I just wanted to change everything. My life, my house, my hobbies… I couldn’t stand how far off-track I was… And it wasn’t even for you any more.”
I wasn’t sure from where, but unexpected emotions seemed to surface as I looked at him, and I couldn’t stop the tears that were forming at the corners of my eyes. I had no idea when the ice queen in me had morphed into an over-emotional pregnant woman, but my eyes were now brimming with tears, as he continued telling me about how everything had changed for him. How his whole life was turning around. How his whole perspective had been altered.
“I took the plunge, ‘Siya,” he finally said, his voice just above a whisper. His eyes pleaded with mine. “And now I know I’m asking for too much, but now that I’ve found something bigger… And what I had been looking for… I want to know if we can maybe just…”
He trailed off, but I knew exactly what he was saying. The question hung in the air.
I nodded, swallowing hard, hastily brushing the tears away from my eyes.
It had come to a point where I wasn’t really sure how much longer I wanted to hold back. I wanted to give in, and I wanted to believe him so badly, that I knew that it was no use continuing without just coming clean.
He took a step toward me, and I didn’t step away. I had to tell him. I needed to. It was time for us to just start the whole thing off on another foot. Maybe it was time for a fresh start.
I looked at his hopeful face once again, preparing myself for what I wanted to say. But Mo wasn’t yet done.
“Whatever happens,” he said softly, with a certain hope in his voice. “Before I go, I just wanted you to know.”
I looked at him, confused. I was caught in between amazement that my usually sceptical husband was actually so far affected by his whole change, and confusion, because I wasn’t sure if what I heard next was a fantastic dream that I had conjured in my mind.
Growing up, everyone has that fantasy of what their life would be like. You wonder and you dream as you lay in bed at night… You close your eyes and you surrender complete and utter faith.
And then of course, life takes over, and it’s like one day you realize the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed of.
But see… Once in a while… Once in a blue moon… People might surprise you. And once in a while, they may even take your breath away.
And of course, that’s when hope is restored. That’s when, you realise once again, that only true faith in the Greatest plan can save the day.
“This is my chance, Aasiya,” he said, a small grin on his face once again. “A chance of a lifetime. Today, at the mosque, I finally put my name down on that list to go out for Jamaat.”
I gaped at him, wondering if I had heard right. Was he serious?
“I’m leaving tonight.”
Sorry for the very delayed post. Hoping to be a bit more frequent from this week.
Don’t forget our Super Sunnahs!
Beautiful Sunnah: 5 Sunnah in one action. SubhaanAllah!
The Sunnah way of drinking water:
- Drink with the right hand.
- Drink whilst sitting
- Say Bismillah before and Alhumdulillah after
- Look into the glass when sipping
- After 3 sips of drinking water, say Alhudulillah Wasshukru Lillah.
There are many bodily benefits to these Sunnah as well. Let’s try and practise regularly!
We will be doing more eating and drinking Sunnahs Insha Allah.